Happy Halloween

Can't get this diddy out of my head on this All Hallow's Eve. Be good tonight, little donkeys. Be good.
RELATED: An oldie but still a funny

Halloween Opposites

G-Unit - Feel Good

Grateful Dead - Goin' Down the Road

Thats one way to get him down...

Holy shit! this may be the funniest thing I have ever seen at a post championship celebration. This guy dodges the first item and wears the second one like a bitch.

Chapel Hill Resident Opposes Community Crusade for Socialism

Orange County (NC) is known as a hotbed for liberal ideals. If you have ever sat in on a class at UNC or visited the hippie haven known as Carrboro, there is no way you could deny this fact. I am a conservative white male and lived in Chapel Hill for five years. From time to time, it was definitely easy to feel out of place...especially around election time. One local man grew tired of constantly having Obama propaganda thrown in his face. This is his story:

Shawn Turschak is not a registered Republican. He is not even a huge fan of John McCain, but sees the Arizona senator as the lesser of two evils in the upcoming election. To show his support, Turschak placed McCain/Palin signs in his Chapel Hill yard. But there was one problem...they kept disappearing. To make sure the latest set of signs did not fall victim to theft by Obama followers, Shawn rigged them with an electric pet fence. He also set up a surveilence camera to capture any action outside. Sure enough, a person holding an Obama placard walked over to the McCain sign and was electrocuted while trying to remove it. The authorities were contacted and forced Turschak to unplug the device. Either way, kudos to you, Shawn Turschak!

Lay off the acid dude

Tatum Bell Couldn't Carry Rudi Johnson's Jockstrap (But He Will Take A Bagful of His Underwear)

Earlier this year, one-time Detroit Lions' running back Tatum Bell was accused of stealing fellow backfield mate Rudi Johnson's luggage. The dispute allegedly stemmed from Johnson taking Bell's spot on the roster. To honor this event, former teammate of both players, Roy Williams (the wide receiver), decided to dress as Tatum for Halloween (see picture to the left).

First of all, it was great to see such an original costume from the person with the most unoriginal name in the NFL. Wearing a bellhop's uniform while carrying around luggage was genius. The inclusion of underwear featuring Johnson's name really put the gag over the top (since multiple pairs were missing when the bag was returned to its rightful owner). However, I fail to understand why Bell so angry about losing his position on the Lions. If you can't make their God-awful team, you clearly do not belong in the league.

While on the subject of Halloween, this year, I will be dressed as Matt Roloff of "Little People, Big World" fame. Did I mention I am 6'5'' tall? I thought it would fit perfectly with the whole opposites theme we have going here, and is less controversial than other "opposites" (i.e. fat, female, darker skin color, etc.). If you do see a post from me on Monday, assume I have been abducted by a gaggle of midgets (or struck by lightning, one or the other).

Cue Biff Tannen

Every year around this time NYf passes out awards for what it deems innovative advertising. This year's gold winner is Sweedish agency Forsman & Bodenfors' spot promoting Al Gore's Live Earth: The Concerts for a Climate in Crisis. The concept proposes a vegetarian diet as a means to reduce greenhouse gasses produced by farm-raised cattle. Clever, but too nauseating for a Wednesday morning pre-coffee. Happy Hump Day!


Find more videos like this on AdGabber

If you can watch this all the way through, you either grew up on a dairy farm, or have watched Cup Girls one too many times.

Pressure Building (Literally) Among British Boys

A recent poll conducted by Ofsted found that nearly 2/3rds of British children prefer having adult supervision when using the internet. The surveyed group consisted of individuals from various social backgrounds between the ages of 4 and 20. For the sake of all that is normal, let us hope that these results are skewed by an abundance of young girls in the sample population.

No male who has reached puberty could possibly want his parents by their side while surfing the interweb (unless the kid has some Oedipus-type relationship with his folks). When I was a teenager, computer time equalled alone time. I think my right bicep actually grew three inches larger in diameter than my left during high school. If you are a London bloke between the ages of 13-20 and have no urge to watch porn, I hope you are getting laid by a smoking hot British chick (who are about as common as basketballs stars from the UK...I'm looking at you, Neil Fingleton). Otherwise, you are wasting all the time you are stuck inside due to cold, rainy weather. No wonder so many Americans think their UK counterparts are gay.

Fantasy Football

Women's sports are finally worth watching, thanks to the newly expanded Lingerie Football League. Grown out of a Super Bowl halftime stunt, the league now boasts ten teams and two divisions. Is it just me, or do team names such as "Tampa Breeze" sound a bit too much like a "favor" you can get from the ugly girl at the local gentleman's club? The league kicks off in September of 2009 and will be carried by cable television networks.

During tryouts held in Seattle last week (for the Seattle Mist), Mitchell Mortaza, founder of LFL, explained why games won't begin until next September. The league wants to prove it is more than just a place where pretty females run around playing football like, well, girls. He wants the focus to be on the actual games, as opposed to store-bought goodies found bouncing in the ladies' shirts (if you can call them "shirts").

League play won't start until next September, partly because football skill isn't a requirement. The tryout at Green Lake Field was more about testing athletic ability and gauging beauty.

"Yeah, it's sexy, but that just draws the viewers," said founder Mortaza, 34, of West Hollywood. "You've got to keep them, and the fan base has to respect it. Because of that, you're going to see girls that are beautiful, but athletic, and take it seriously."

The players will bank around $40,000 per season, which after listening to their dialogue in the video below, surely represents a pay increase for most. I have a feeling that no matter how much skill these girls lack, plenty of men will tune in for week one. Good Luck after that.

Insert "Tight End" joke here.

Happy Sweet 16!!!!!

I went all out and found these random chicks to make up a pretty sign and sing just for you Ben!!

Our Esteemed Mayor

Nothing new to those in the local viewing area, but Birmingham has always been known as the fashion capital of the South. Oh, you didn't know? Versions of this commercial have been running for the past couple years, but this is by far the best in terms of production value and casting.

Before he became mayor of Birmingham, Alabama, Larry Langford made cameo appearances on other Shaeffer Eye Center commercials claiming that his frames "got to be gold."

"Next Year": The Official Slogan of NC State Athletics

Below you will find some thoughts on the football teams at UNC and NC State. Did I mention that these opinions were allegedly provided by Mike Glennon, the highly touted freshman quarterback for the Wolfpack? When your team is winless in conference and sitting at the bottom of the ACC in nearly every statistical category, you probably should avoid providing bulletin board material for your rival. Here is his assessment:

(1) Nate Irving is a better LB than Quan Sturdivant & Bruce Carter.

(2) Russell Wilson should be this year's First Team All-ACC quarterback.

(3) Glennon is convinced that with a healthy Irving, they'll definitely beat North Carolina in Kenan Stadium this season.

(4) Compared to playing at Death Valley & Williams-Brice Stadium, Kenan "isn't hostile at all".

(5) Next year, NCSU will be the team to beat in the ACC.

Since he is too busy sitting on the sidelines reading the playbook and drinking protein shakes to improve his girlish physique, I guess Mr. Glennon is not paying much attention to the actual games. Your team is 2-6 while UNC is nationally ranked & sporting a 6-2 record.

Of the five points shown above, only the first and fourth are even debatable. Russell Wilson would be the third string QB for the Tar Heels and the team to beat in the ACC over the next few years resides in the Triangle, but surely not in Raleigh. In regards to point number five, maybe he is talking about the Bass Fishing team. Get used to a lifetime of losing and mediocrity Mikey-boy...

Zebra- 1, High School Quaterback - 0

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Ate 'n' Owe ona Ass

Smart money says this guy is still passed out from Saturday's celebration.  Tighten up is my new catch-phrase.

Zhat Choo, Jean-Claude?

Everybody knows Jean-Claude Van Damme, aka The Muscles From Brussels. You know the accent. You know the splits. You know the immaculate hair during a street fight. You know the amazing dance moves from the classic YouTube highlight. You know exactly what to expect...

Well, not anymore. You're about to catch a roundhouse of knowledge to the sternum:
Holy. Shit. This looks amazing. It already dropped at Cannes and Toronto to a very warm reception. The film opens in limited release November 7th. When it finally reaches the cultural backwater of North Carolina, I think I might tailgate for this one.

Van Damn you, Jean Claude: you trying to get me to change my Halloween costume?

The Opposites

Marvin Gaye - Baby Don't You Do It

The Band - Baby Don't You Do It

This Day Mashup, October 24

Happy Friday, white collar workers of America! On this day in 1940, your standard work week was established at 40 hours as a result of the Fair Labor Standards Act of 1938. Also on this day in 2003, the era supersonic passenger flight came to an end as the last British Airways Concorde jet touched down at London's Heathrow Airport.



Season 2 of Flight of the Conchords begins in January on HBO. Murray misses you.

Just Like Emily Dickinson Except Talentless, Skankier, & Full of Shit

Crystal Mangum, the accuser in the now infamous Dook lacrosse case, held a press conference today in support of her new biography, "The Last Dance for Grace". Grace, eh? Is she one of Mangum's co-worker who plans to leave the world of exotic dancing for greener pastures after one final house call?

Knowing the author's background, I will go out on a limb and say that her story contains enough shit to overflow a Wallace Wade Stadium port-a-john. I wish she would just shut her mouth and drop out of the public spotlight forever. Nobody cares what you have to say, nor are they going to purchase your memoir. The only dollar bills you will be seeing in the near future will be stuffed down your g-string. Here's the rest of the story...

Nancy Grace gets owned...

Apparently the people who work in the production room for Nancy Grace don't like her either. What a bitch.

Hurry up! Like seriously.

Miss Louisiana Teen USA, Lindsey Evans, is not only smoking hot, but quite smart. "Smart", you ask? Well not exactly in the "Miss South Carolina" way, but not too far off. While dining with three friends at lunch, the group became upset with the slow service so they did what anybody would do: they just ran away/ walked right out. One catch...they had already ordered their food.

Since the beauty & her friends had just shorted the restaurant $46, the manager called the cops. Guess who walked up as the authorities were finishing up their paperwork? If you said Miss Louisiana Teen USA, you would be correct! Ms. Evans was so on top of her game that day, she left her purse at the table. Inside was a sack of the sticky icky icky and a few totem poles. Unfortunately for her, the cops searched through the purse to locate her ID and found the drugs. She has since been charged with possesion and theft. No word on whether or not she had the $46. Read more here

Europe's Loss is Our Gain

During a concert earlier this month, My Morning Jacket lead singer Jim James suffered injuries after falling off of an Iowa City stage. The band in turn cancelled a European tour originally slated to begin next week. While my blokes in jolly old London are none to pleased by this development, yours truly has some good news for the rest of us.

MMJ will be playing at The National in Richmond, VA on December 29th. As of this time, the concert has not been announced by the band or venue websites (nor are tickets available for purchase). I received an email informing me of this show last week but could not verify its accuracy. Since then, the date appeared in Pitchfork's updated touring schedule for the band . Five Words: Best Live Band in America. Do yourself a favor & check them out. Until then, you'll have to settle for this clip from Coachella:



*Note: Looking for MMJ clips to accompany this post has ruined my productivity. I have now spent the past 2 hours on youtube watching them kick ass.

Things that are... good.

Good interview
Good movie
Good trailer*
Good list
Good sports highlight
Good news

Big ups to the British Cardinal for the soccer highlight...

*Just a "good trailer" since I haven't seen the actual movie yet (though I'm informed that it's the titties).

A match made in rehab

The word on the street, is that Jose Canseco will fight 5'7" Partridge Family Star, Danny Bonaduce in a bout for the Celebrity Boxing Federation. The bout is set to take place in mid January. Jose is making his second appearance in the ring after a less than stellar apperance when he was knocked out by former Philadelphia Eagles return man Vai Sikahema in under a minute.

This fight should come as no suprise to anybody considering the fact that Jose Canseco has pissed away everything he ever made in the game of baseball, and now he whores himself out like a $30 trick. His second book is not selling, he is apologetic for naming names, and is looking for sympathy because his body will no longer naturally produce testosterone. Good luck getting up for the fight.

"Yeah, and Monkeys Might Fly Out of My Butt"

During a recent expedition in the Himalayan mountains, Japanese explorers claim to have found footprints belonging to the Abominable Snowman. The men have provided pictures of large indentions in the snow resembling human feet as evidence. No photos of the creature itself were taken on the trip. Coincidentally, MSNBC also reported similar findings regarding the yeti's Western Hemisphere cousin, Bigfoot, earlier in the year.

Its amazing that major media outlets continue to fall for these scams. After the Sasquatch discovery proved to be a hoax (it was just a picture of a Bigfoot costume purchased off of the internet, dirtied up, and thrown in a box), it seems these guys would have learned a lesson. Before reporting something to the entire United States (& beyond), wouldn't it be a good idea to do some research? How could you possibly be so irresponsible?

For one thing, absolutely anything can be photoshopped with today's technology. To take it a step further, movie studios use green screens to create all kinds of effects. Just because I see Shaq wearing a woman's blouse and pants stolen from Hammer's closet granting wishes to kids in Kazaam, I am not flying to Miami to request an orgy with the female cast members of Friday Night Lights in Scrooge McDuck's money pit. Not going to happen (though it wouldn't suck). Use some common sense people! Harry & the Hendersons = Fiction...

Matt Stairs Update

Last week we posted a story about the unfortunate choice of words Matt Stairs used to describe his game winning home run celebration, here is the video.

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Starbucks: Emerging Enemy of All Men

According to a recent study, women who drink excessive amounts of coffee often see a decrease in breast size. The thought of exchanging cups of joe for reduced cup sizes is a terrifying thought for all heterosexual males. Ladies, put down the java. Men love tig ol' bitties (whether it be up close & personal, or from a distance).

If you insist on shrinking your ta-tas for a morning caffeine fix, please purchase some of this Japanese gum. Bust-Up could counteract coffee's demon side effect by enhancing the "size, shape, and tone of female breasts". No word on how the gum determines the sex of its consumers. Here's hoping John Travolta avoids that stuff at all costs. If his moobs grow any larger, he may be mistaken for his Look Who's Talking co-star, Kirstie Alley.

Fastest Idiot in the World

Remember when you turned 16 and you finally got that chance to drive as fast as you wanted? You had no sense of responsibility, no fear of repercussions, harm, or the police. The one positive I can find in my personal experiences, is the fact that Battlecat wasn't filming me while I drove my father's Toyota Camry 90mph through suburban Raleigh, and then posting it to the innerweb. Today's kids (and one 28-year) are not so smart.
Take one Sandor Ferenci of London England, who is a care taker for the elderly. Mr. Ferenci never really got the whole speed thing out of his system, nor did he realize that the police have access to youtube also. Have fun playing "hide the banger" for the next 12 weeks. Read more here.
not actual video

Football Season + Booze = Shenanigans

Ever had a night where you blacked out for numerous hours after drinking enough booze to float a small boat? I experienced a similar evening this past Saturday. While I was fortunate and apparently did not do anything too stupid, many people are not so lucky. Here is one of their stories:

Several months after graduating from college, I returned to Chapel Hill for a football game Saturday. My friends and I began downing bourbon drinks as soon as we arrived and continued up until it was time to head to Kenan Stadium. The walk to the game was relatively short but it must have felt like The Trail of Tears to my buddy, Scott. He was stumbling everywhere, slurring his speech, and generally should have been hidden from public view (think Gary Busey).

As we enter the front gates, Scott wanders away from us and runs directly into a small girl dressed in a UNC cheerleader's outfit. He immediately proceeds to throw up directly on top of her dome; covering her from head to toe in an alcohol stew. The girl's father could not have been more upset if he had found her pantless in the back of a conversion van with Michael Jackson. As steam pours out of this gentleman's ears, our friend, Chris, informs the angry dad that he is an ALE agent escorting the lush from the premises. His quick thinking allowed our overly intoxicated friend to leave in one piece.

The final whistle sounds and we return to the house to find Scott laying on someone's car in the front yard. Of course, he has covered it in vomit. In the meantime, another sauced friend has managed to steal a ticket book from a police officer (another story on its own...surely, many 18-20 year old coeds listed on its pages were confused and elated when they arrived at their court date). He then writes Scott a fake ticket, places it in his pocket, and we put him to bed.

Scott awakes the next morning to find himself covered in puke with said ticket in his pants. Of course, he has no idea how/where/ why he received the citation. After allowing the moral and physical hangovers to marinate for several hours, we inform Scott of the bogus ticket. To say he was none to pleased would be a terrible understatement. Moral of the story: don't get too drunk around your slightly less intoxicated friends. Ah, I miss college...

Kenny's Scrambler Challenge

For those of you who don't know, this is Kenny, and you should probably ignore this post. For those of you who do know, this video has been on YouTube for over a year. Why didn't anyone tell me!



A native of Soddy Daisy, TN, Kenny has long been an avid supporter of Krystal burgers. Many a night was spent cheering Kenny at the SigEp house as he attempted to consume vast quantities of small, square burgers while being timed. His love for the brand led him to seek employment at the corporate office of Krystal in nearby Chattanooga, TN, where he works in marketing and has been recently been spotted on television at the 2008 Krystal Square Off World Hamburger Eating Championships.

Looks like he's still got it. "It" being the desire to quickly consume fast food for show.

The Opposites

Since young Opie is on his way to the beach this Friday, I'm gonna throw up "the opposites" this week: Down Home Girl vs. Girl from the North Country

Down Home Girl - Old Crow Medicine Show


Girl from the North Country - Bob Dylan and Johnny Cash
Some tunes to chill you out as you head into the weekend.

'WTF Durham' rumors confirmed

What some of us originally thought was just unsubstantiated internet hearsay when Opie posted the rumor a while back (What? Yeah, right. And I suppose they're gonna bring back Ghostbusters too, you crazy a-hole!), turns out to have actual merit -- pure, bored, sagging, money-hungry merit.
'Bull Durham 2: Back to the Demographics'* is being confirmed by writer-director Ron Shelton. Though no script is written yet, Shelton has a couple of ideas floating around the ol' think box:

Shelton says that Robbins' character, pitcher "Nuke" LaLoosh, had "a sort of an unrealized career [in the major leagues] in which we saw glimpses of his greatness." Costner's catcher Crash Davis "is now managing Durham in Triple A, back with a (major-league) dream alive again."

According to Robbins, the story will have Crash and his love interest Annie Savoy (played by Susan Sarandon) finding Nuke "in the middle of a drunken stupor in the middle of his hotel room or something ... and bring him back to the majors by teaching him how to throw a knuckleball."

Shelton then goes on to imply that Kevin Bacon will show up and teach Nuke the 'Jimmy Dolan Shake and Bake', which he will use on Wesley Snipes in a game of half-court basketball after Snipes calls him a racist and tells him that 'white people can't hear music', then Snipes has to run the baseball diamond in his pajamas to make Nuke's new team. Meanwhile, Crash starts talking smack to old Nuke as well, because Nuke wasted his talent and Crash learned a new fighting technique called 'The Crane' which looks easy to defend, but apparently is impossible, because it was taught to him by his son, a boy wizard, who is the newest 'wild thing' student at America's first school for wizards, located in, of course, Durham. The prospect of a third movie is looking dim.

*This is not the actual working title. We are accepting ideas for possible titles. The winner will receive a strong e-five and shout out.

Carl Lewis

There are so many angles I could come at this from, but I just can't decide. This amazing video came across my computer screen during some down-time this afternoon, and I thought I should share it. Check out Carl's Wikipedia page for some fun facts-like that he was the 334th pick of the 1984 NFL Draft (Bum Brights's Dallas Cowboys).

Obama-Palin 2008!

This is the reason America is fucked up and will continue to be fucked for the foreseeable future. Listen as Howard Stern sends a correspondent out to talk to Harlem voters about Obama. The only twist? The correspondent intentionally attributes McCain’s positions to Obama, even saying “Do you support Obama’s choice of Sarah Palin to be his VP?” Incredibly, it didn’t seem to phase these voters in their support of Obama. The moral of this post is to know what you are voting for next month.

Disturbing...Yes. Unexpected...Not So Much.

Take a close look at the picture to the left. What is the first word that comes to mind? If you said, "criminal", you would be correct. Tony Ray (pictured) has been arrested on suspicion of embezzlement, elder abuse, and conspiracy after cremating his grandmother in a backyard BBQ. He committed this act to hide her death so he could continue receiving her social security checks. As if this was not bizarre enough on its own, the fact that his mother (& daughter of the deceased) was his co-conspirator makes it downright creepy (more creepiness...she crafted jewelry out of her mother's bones).

Did this guy really think they could get away with such a heinous deed? I mean, look at him. Anytime an illegal act takes place within a 30 mile radius of this Ray's hometown, he has to be suspect 1A . If you decide to do something this stupid, at least have enough sense to cut your hair, shave your dick target, hide your tatty, and put on some respectable clothes. Failing to stand out as a scumbag is tough when you sport his "I rape people"look. Here is the whole story...

Momma Said Knock You Out

If you haven't watched any Mixed Martial Arts(MMA), then you are simply missing out. While the drama formally known as boxing is becoming filled with greed, coruption, and looking more like the WWE everyday, MMA is staying true to the game. The super stars of the sport don't seem to stay on top for very long, and this can be attributed to the fact that the sport is so violent. Check out this article on the top 10 pound for pound fighters in MMA, it will be changing soon. Then take a peek at the #1 fighter on the list in the video below. If you like it, feel free to youtube any of the guys on the list for some good fights.

Wetdream a Reality for Outer Banks Stoners

Imagine waking up in a grandiose beach house on the Outer Banks of North Carolina. You step out of bed and onto a deck underneath a cloudless sky. Before making your way to the beach to enjoy the delightful weather, you decide to pack up the bong and pull a few tubes.

Suddenly you realize you forgot to eat breakfast. Walking back to the house seems like an awful lot of work so you continue onward. Shortly after stepping into the cool salty water, you see a red object floating next to you. Paranoia sets in as you notice these objects have surrounded your position. Sure they are Man-O-War, you frantically try to avoid the items and make your way back to the beach. Suddenly, one bumps against you.

You turn to look at the "jellyfish" which has just "numbed" your leg. To your delight, it is actually a bag of Doritos. So are all of the other "Man-O-War". Suddenly, life is awesome. You're stoned, hungry, and surrounded by free cheesy deliciousness. This actually happened earlier this week. Not so sure if the whole "jellyfish" scenario is legit, but a shit ton of Doritos did wash ashore in NC after a cargo container fell overboard. Here's the whole story...

Tigers have feelings too.

This video has been floating around several sites today, but it was too good not to have it here. Just wait until you hear the first caller.

On the Next Maury...Blow & Incest: The Marcia Brady Story

Maureen McCormick is best known as the actress who played wholesome Marcia on television's The Brady Bunch. Fortunately for the reader's of her new book, "Here's the Story", McCormick's real life lacked the saccharine sweetness associated with her television persona.

Instead of worrying about braces and innocent crushes, the true McCormick concerned herself with finding her next cocaine fix; sometimes in exchange for sex. She even admits to having a relationship with her onscreen brother, Greg Brady (played by Barry Williams). Since I have not actually read this book (nor do I plan to), here's hoping that Greg traded lines for entry into his faux sister's panties and fathered at least one of her two aborted babies.

What's next for the TV stars of yesteryear...a tell-all book discussing Mr. Wilson penchant for slipping "ruffies" into Dennis the Menace's milk, memoirs surfacing about Mr. Ed's involvement in a German pornography ring, Gilligan and the Skipper blogging about their days of shooting heroin rectally, little Danny Partridge getting arrested for beating up a male transvestite after receiving a $20 blowjob from shim (oh wait, that one already happened...Bonaduce = Reality TV Gold)? Nick at Nite cannot be happy with this development. For more on McCormick, click here.

Really Matt? No better feeling?

During the post game press conference for the Phillies Dodgers game, the unlikely hero for the Phils let the cat out of the bag, or maybe the team out of the closet. Matt Stairs who drilled a pinch hit homer into the right field bleachers to put the Phillies up for good, had this to say...

"I try to hit home runs and that's it. It's worked. When you get that nice celebration coming into the dugout, when you're getting your ass hammered by guys, there's no better feeling than having that done."

Really no better feeling than having your old rusty sheriff star hammered? I can think of a few things that I think would feel better, but who am I to judge a grown man, who has made a living out of hitting homers and celebrating with his team after he rounds the bases. I do know one thing for certain, if I ever hit a home run and Stairs is on my team, I'm stopping at third.

Monkey Business

I gotta believe this is against the health code...

Kayabuki, a Japanese tavern in Utsunomiya, recently employed 2 Macaques monkeys to act as waiters. Fuku is 12 years-old and Yat is a young 4 years of age and both seem to enjoy their new work.

Kaoru Otsuka, owner of the tavern, says the 2 monkeys are their household pets, but one day he noticed one of them mimicking a waiter by giving the customer a hot towel in the restaurant.

Mr. Otsuka thought it would be an interesting idea to have them actually serve the customers.

Both monkeys works 2 hours a day, serving drinks and handing customer hot towels.
They don’t seem to mind the work and are happy to do it in exchange for some Edamame (soybeans) from the customers as tip. The monkey waiters have done such a good job and brought so much business to the restaurant, Mr. Otsuka admits they're better than his real son at the job.


via

From the Premature Celebration File...

The world dosen't need another Leon Lett, DeShaun Jackson, or Lindsey Jacobellis, but it appears that an entire organization has decided to take the plunge. The Tampa Rays have made the post season for the first time in their short existence, and they are already starting to show that they don't know how to act upon reaching milestones along the way to the ultimate prize. First they celebrated a divisional series win with champagne in the clubhouse which was understandable, since it was the first post season series they have ever won, but to do what they have done now in making t-shirts talking trash about their next opponent is just ignorant. Click here for more. Good luck with Big Papi and the boys!

The Opposites

Jack Johnson - Good People


Whodini - Freaks Come Out at Night

Back to the Future

The long awaited and oft delayed Guns N' Roses album "Chinese Democracy" is set to be released on November 23rd. Considering that Axl and the boys (& I say "boys" because I have no idea who replaced Slash, Duff, Izzy, etc. in the lineup) have been working on this project since 1991, expectations are high. Then again, so is Axl to think his band could remain relevant after disappearing from the public eye nearly 20 years ago.

To give you an idea of how long it has been since GnR last released a studio album (actually two, "Use Your Illusion I & II"), below are a list of events which also took place in 1991:

--America was at war in the Persian Gulf...for the first time

--George Bush was in office...not "W"

--The Giants won the Super Bowl...behind the arm of Phil Simms, not Eli

--The LA Lakers lost in the NBA Finals...to the Bulls, not Celtics

--Clinton sought a presidential nomination....Bill, not Hillary

--Beverly Hills 90210 was the hot new show on TV....uhh, this is weird

On second thought, maybe Axl is onto something. The parallels between 1991 and today are quite eerie. If Kriss Kross returns to musical prominence or Urkel shows back up on TV, my head might explode. For more on "Chinese Democracy", click your mouse here.

Kanye, I'm Not Loving You

Dear Kanye,
Put the vocoder down, and step away from T-Pain. You're better than this. Go back to your roots. Go back to Blueprint and Dropout. If this is what the future of hip hop is going to look like, I'm glad I fell off the bandwagon years ago.


Video courtesy fubiz.net

T-Pain and his Vocoder in the studio

See more T-Pain videos at Funny or Die

Chuck Norris Wears Jim West Pajamas

Finally, a story about fallen bears not discussing the collapse of the Chicago Cubs... British Columbia native, Jim West, recently survived a bear attack by killing the animal with his bare hands and a stick. As if the feat was not impressive enough on its own, did I mention he did this one handed after the bear rendered his left arm useless? Note to self: never talk shit to Jim West. Here is the whole story

Bears attacks...yet another reason to avoid Canada at all costs. Here are some other deterrents:

(1) French Quebec

(2) The use of the word "eh"

(3) Hockey: the national past time

(4) Ham is referred to as "Bacon"...very confusing

(5) No Canadian can properly pronounce words featuring the letters "ou"

(6) Snow...lots & lots of cold, wet snow

Apollo Creed vs. Ivan Drago...20 Years Later

Evander Holyfield must be a glutton for punishment (&/or broke). The 45 year old former heavyweight champ has agreed to fight current title holder Nikolai Valuev towards the end of this year (tentative date: December 20th). For those of you unfamiliar with Valuev, he is a 7 foot, 320 pound behemoth who has lost only once in 50 fights.

After the bout, Holyfield plans to write a book about the experience called, "Mrm&#oifdsep". Well, I am not sure "write" is the correct term since it will consist of random symbols and lines. Seriously, Evander, its time to hang up the gloves. You won your first heavyweight title by defeating Buster Douglas (yeah, that guy), who retired from boxing nearly 20 years ago. Follow his lead, or look forward to a life filled with slurred speech, blank stares, and drool stains on your bathrobe. For more on the upcoming match, click here....

*Note: no book is being written by Holyfield (as far as I know)

English as a Second Language at UT

University of Tennessee senior running back Arian Foster is tired of discussing his team's awful start. Instead of refusing to speak with the media, the Vols soon-to-be all-time leading rusher had another idea. All interviews following a recent practice were to be conducted in "Pterodactyl". Unfortunately for us, no one took him up on the offer (though Foster did let out a few "Veeeeeek"s for the folks in attendance).

At first glance, the decision to speak in an imaginary language sounds like good fun. Upon further review, it is both sad and cowardly. Take a moment to think about the group of people most likely to speak in a made-up tongue...if you guessed those who's hobbies include World of Warcraft, collecting dolls from comic books, and watching Star Trek VHS tapes in their parents' basement, then you are correct. Arian, quit hiding behind high pitched squeals and use the English language to tell us about "the suck" that is UT. For more on Phat Phil's last season in Knoxville, click here....

Tonight, we dine in jail!

Actor Gerard Butler became a reinforced Scottish stereotype this week after "allegedly" punching a professional, celebrity image documentarian on the way home from the bar. Excerpt from the report:

"To that, the photog says he responded, 'Hey, that's my job.' Gerard allegedly then reached in the car, grabbed the photog's throat and and punched him three or four times. Butler allegedly then kicked the car and again punched the photog three or four times -- close-fisted -- for good measure."

And the people sigh, "well done, Sir."

RELATED: Remember when Orlando Bloom was dangerously close to becoming Hollywood's action star of choice? Me neither.

She Just Secured the Eastern NC Vote

Above you will find a picture of Governor Palin from last night's campaign stop in Greenville, NC. After some "politicking", the Vice Presidential candidate decided to kick back with some pitchers of Natty Light at Boli's 5th Street Pizzeria. If you are from Eastern NC (like myself), you have to appreciate this. Regardless of social background, everybody around these parts (& likely most everywhere else) enjoys bar food and cold beer. Sign me up.

I believe... this movie is going to blow

So Kevin Costner and Ron Shelton want to make a sequel to "Bull Durham". REALLY? Why would you take a perfectly good movie that had a fine ending, and try to add to it? I mean what is going to happen in the sequel? Let's see, is Nuke LaLoosh going to make a come back from Tommy John surgery and get sent down to Durham for a rehab start, where he will compete with some 18 year old bonus baby for the affection of the team whore? Will Crash Davis be named in the Mitchell Report for using steroids to prolong his illustrious minor league career? This has "Major League 3, Back to the Minors" written all over it. Where are you going to film it, the Durham Athletic Park is in no shape to be a movie set. Note to Costner and Shelton: Quit Lolligagging and come up with something original. Click here for more on the project. Below are two of my favorite clips form the original.

At Least You Know the Japanese Had Cameras Handy...

A Westerner was recently apprehended for skinny dipping in a moat circling the Imperial Palace in Tokyo (not the shitty Las Vegas casino of the same name). Witnesses say the middle aged man had huge eyes and, despite frigid waters, a penis like a donkey. Of course, size is a relative thing. Can you imagine their reaction to a black man in a similar scenario? For more on the story, click here...

Grudge Match

Remember that time in college, when a school you were supposed to beat, came to your place and took your lunch money? If you are a Tennessee Vols fan, you probably know this feeling better than most of the rest of us.
In the spring of 1915 Cumberland College decided to head down to Atlanta with a baseball team stacked with professional players, and they beat the absolute peepee out of Tech, 22-0. This did not sit well with John Heismen, who coached both the baseball and football teams. Click here for the rest of the story about the picture above.

Pitcher to Cops: "Get Off My Backe"

Houston Astros pitcher Brandon Backe was arrested in his Texas hometown over the weekend for participating in a wedding reception brawl. The incident also involved the bride's father and brother. Backe spent a short time in jail and posted a $1,500 bond before being released. For those keeping track at home, here is the updated scoreboard:

Astros' Pitcher-- 1 hour & $1,500
Groom-- The Rest of His Life or 1/2 of His Wealth

Considering the bride's relatives did not hesitate to ruin the wedding, the groom better get out before he has the chance to accumulate more assets. If he does decide to end things, I see a real donnybrook on the horizon at the divorce proceedings. For more, click here...

Two things that didn't last long...

Perhaps the biggest let down of this weekend was not the Cubs being swept out of the first round of the playoffs, after finishing the regular season with the best record in the National League. No no, it was in south Florida, where street fighting legend Kimbo Slice got dealt with. Read more here.

"Bitches: The Movie" #1 at the Box Office

Early 2006 in Hollywood, CA: two rookie screenwriters anxiously wait outside a boardroom on the Walt Disney lot. As they sit on pins & needles, they finally hear, "Analisa & Jeff, come on in". The pair of youngsters enter to find a "who's who" of studio execs. The time has come to make their pitch...

--Analisa/ Jeff: "Gentlemen, in our hands, we hold the script to the next Disney blockbuster. We understand that Americans are fickle people. With that in mind, we need to strike while the iron is hot...and right now, nothing says 'that's hot' like Paris Hilton."

--Exec #1: "Isn't she a whore? How could we possibly incorporate her into a Disney movie?"

--Analisa/ Jeff: "Sir, we are one step ahead of you. Since Paris would obviously be off limits for a child's film, we have to associate ourselves with the object most likely to be linked to her."

--Exec #2: "Are you talking about medicated topical cream?"

--Analisa/ Jeff: "No sir, I am talking about Tinkerbell. We make a movie about a spoiled chihuahua. It will be among the cheapest films this studio has ever produced. All we need are some dogs, a jar of peanut butter, and a slew of C-list Latino actors for the Spanish influenced voice overs."

--Execs: "We're sold. Someone call Cheech and George Lopez ASAP."

In case you were wondering, this is not an actual transcript of the "pitch" conversation. However, Beverly Hills Chihuahua is currently the number one film in America. Since stocks are falling and jobless rates are rising, it seems like the perfect time for Americans to spend $29 million to watch a movie about privileged talking dogs. For a complete box office summary, click here...

He was "Waitlisted" at Oaksterdam University

In relation to their lower level counterparts, college students benefit from a wealth of freedom. Parents are nowhere to be found so the responsibility to make important decisions rests squarely on the shoulders of the co-ed. Included among these decisions is the choice to go to class or stay home. Unfortunately for Michael Woodson, this memo failed to make its rounds on the part-time (sort of) higher education scene.

Woodson, a Brevard Community College student, was arrested earlier today for discharging a bomb on school property. Of course, he did this to get out of class. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with this guy? Maybe he is lying about his intent (*keeping fingers crossed for youth of America*).

Worst case scenario: Michael still lives at home and was forced by his parents to go to school. Instead of preparing and detonating explosives on campus, why didn't he just "pretend" to go to class? I did this for 4.5 years of my life (except I did not go through much trouble "pretending"). This is not 10th grade where school officials call your parents if you're absent too often. If you feel like cutting class in the future Michael, put down the Anarchist's Cookbook, drive to the beach, and go home after school typically ends. It's so much easier than jail time. Click here for more on this jackass...

Well who the hell doesn't?

Apparently Jay-Z wants to make babies with Beyonce Knowles (his wife). Well get in line buddy, there are a few hundred thousand guys who saw her first. Jigga claims he is just like any other guy, and wants a family in the near future. Most of that is true, except for the fact he is knockin the back out of 1/3 of Destiny's Child on the regular. Read more about what Jay-Z has been up to here.

Also check out a performance of his, from earlier this year while on tour with Oasis. When Liam and Noel decided to complain(imagine that)about Jay-Z headlining the festival instead of themselves, Jigga took a bit of a shot at the boys.

How to Lose Fans and Alienate Critics

Come on, Pegg, you're better than this.

The Opposites

Widespread Panic - Tallboy

Skee-Lo - I Wish

Coke: Great when Mixed with Bourbon or Unwanted Zygotes

Tired of wearing protection when bangin' it out? Annoyed by the
prospect of having to "pull out" instead of finishing up where God intended? If your girl can tolerate additional stickiness in the already damp area between her legs, Boston University professor Deborah Anderson may have solved your problems.

Anderson & her team of medical school colleagues recently won the Ig Nobel Prize for Chemistry by proving that Coca-Cola can serve as a capable spermicide. Additionally, Diet Coca-Cola was found to be an even more effective contraceptive than the original formula. For more on the discovery, click here.

With this in mind, what is next for the soft drink industry? Can other syrup-filled, carbonated beverages improve our world in yet to be discovered ways? Deep in the catacombs beneath an Atlanta factory, scientists are dusting off thousands of cases of Crystal Pepsi with hopes of finding the next great douche....

Mr. Ocho Cinco...Please Shut Up

After remaining uncharacteristically quiet over the first few weeks of the NFL season, the receiver formerly known as Chad Johnson is back doing what he does best. Unfortunately for the folks in Cincinnati, I am not talking about snagging passes. He has once again caught a severe case of verbal diarrhea.

In addition to guaranteeing a touchdown in this weekend's contest against the heavily favored Cowboys, the brash Bengals wideout has vowed to follow up his endzone plunge with a trip to midfield. Here he plans to lay a kiss on the Dallas star logo, once defiled by fellow NFL primadonna T.O. Surely oozing with sincerity, Mr. Cinco contends this gesture will serve as a sign of "respect" for one of sports' most fabled organizations.

I wish Chad would show some respect for his own franchise and, in short, quit sucking. His season stats (116 total yards with 1 TD) currently fall short of such offensive juggernauts as Greg Camarillo, Johnny Lee Higgins, and Jason Avant. For more of the comments made by Johnson/ Ocho Cinco/ Worthless Fantasy Football WR, click here.

It's snowing in Denver!

Somebody needs to tell Travis Henry that you got to get a lift ticket to go skiing. Last time I checked the Feds don't sell lift tickets, so you should probably shy away from dealing pounds of weed and kilos of the powder. Apparently Mr. Henry got set up by his delivery driver, who has repeatadly moved 10's of thousands of dollars worth of drugs between Montana and Colorado. It never ceases to amaze me, that some professional athletes just don't get it. Good luck paying the child support for those nine kids you have with the nine different women. Click here for the story.

The Boy Next Door

This guy is the real deal (as far as twirlers go) and he does this all the time in downtown Atlanta. So, if you can make it to the 3 minute mark of this video, there are some pretty funny reactions from on-lookers in Hotlanta.

Lindsay, You Could Do So Much Better!

Our favorite fire crotched tabloid fixture recently announced she preferred "bumpin' nasties" with the ladies. While this is far from a newsflash, I feel compelled to discuss her choice of companions. Seriously, why Samantha Ronson? She is a penile implant and spray tan away from being Wilmer Valderama.

Masculine haircut...check.

Clothes purchased in the men's department...check.

Lack of traditional feminine curves...check.

C-List celebrity...check.

I guess Lindsay fell for her personality (&/or her ability to go downtown). In the future, I sincerely hope "LiLo" (as I like to call her) finds her way into the arms of a similarly attractive Hollywood starlet. Now, that my friends would make for some solid spank bank material.

For proof that Ronson indeed deserves the title of "Ms" (& Lindsay still enjoys some phallic shaped objects), click here

PLAYOFFS! You wanna talk about Playoffs?!?!?!

The Major League Baseball season has come to an end, and now we have eight teams left to fight it out for the World Series, starting today at 3:07 on TBS. Incase you were wondering I am picking the lovable losers, aka Chicago Cubs to win the Divisional Series and the NLCS against as they inch ever so close to ending the 100 years of absolute misery. But just as it happens every year, their world will come crashing down and the curse will continue when they lose in five games to the Angles in the Series. Here are my picks for the post season...
Divisional Series:
Cubs over Dodgers
Brewers over Phillies
Rays over White Sox
Angels over Red Sox
NLCS:
Cubs over Brewers
ALCS:
Angels over Rays
World Series:
Angels over Cubs

Dolla Dolla Bill Y'all

Given the current state of the economy, I thought this was an appropriate video. If only I had invested with these guys...

They're Back...

Trey and the boys just announced they will be returning to the stage in Hampton, VA on March 6, 2009. Should be a rocking good time at a sweet venue. If things go as planned, I will be there ready to party. To submit a ticket request yourself, click here...

Good Morning