Bold Doughknux

"The Eagles are still touring an album from 1976!" exclaimed Krispy. "In 25 years, we'll be like the Eagles even if we don't make another album..."
-Kintrell "Krispy Krem" Lindsey

I think he may be a little late...

Merry Christmas

Hopefully your kitchen experience will be better than this ladies. Thanks for the video Angie.

Happy Christmas

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays from the MSMDO corporate HQ.

"Hi, We're Here to Experience the Whale Penis."

I don't know exactly how to put this....
In these sensitive, politically correct, paranoia-filled times of ours, I don't want any bold generalizations by me to be misconstrued as racist. So let me just say this: Asians fascinate me.

Take this story for example: It's a fairly cool little bit of news that you would find tucked away in some newspaper or on some news site's side webpage labeled "obscure news" or something. In Taiwan, a sperm whale that had washed up on the beach, exploded on the flat bed that was transporting it through the city.

"The 56-foot-long whale had been on a truck headed for a necropsy by researchers, when gases from internal decay caused its entrails to explode in the southern city of Tainan.
Residents and shop owners wore masks while trying to clean up the spilt blood and entrails."

Pretty cool. Even includes a semi-gross picture of the streets run red. Nothing special though. Maybe you move on and don't think about it again until you're at the beach next summer. Maybe you forward it to a friend or two who would like that kinda thing...
Nope, not this story. In the last two paragraphs, shit gets all weird, or should I say, gets all Asian. The story was over, then out of left field:

"Once moved to a nearby nature preserve, the male specimen -- the largest whale ever recorded in Taiwan -- drew the attention of locals because of its large penis, measured at some five feet, the Taipei Times reported.

"More than 100 Tainan city residents, mostly men, have reportedly gone to see the corpse to 'experience' the size of its penis," the newspaper reported."

And just like that, the article is over. I have more questions than before I began.

It Ain't Over Until the Wookie Sings

Do you like Star Wars, but can't get enough of the six live-action films, one animated theatrical feature, spinoff direct-to-video films, multiple past animated series, current animated series, comic books, DVD box sets, myriad of video games, rereleased DVD box sets with more CGI, scores of spinoff novels, holiday special, or action figurines? Well you, young virgin, are in luck.

The Whore of Babylon -- known legally as George Lucas -- is bringing the Star Wars magic to the stage with a two-hour live musical not too long from now on a stage not quite far, far away enough.

"'Star Wars: A Musical Journey', a two-hour live musical event featuring a Stormtrooper kick line and singing Wookies, is set to premiere on April 10 in London's O2 arena."

"After the stage show in London, "Star Wars: A Musical Journey" will embark on a European tour, complete with an exhibition of rare Star Wars collectibles, including never-before-seen models, props, costumes and production artwork."

A Stormtrooper kick line? Singing Wookies? Finally, a Broadway show that isn't completely, head-over-heels gay.

Meanwhile, the gods on Mt. Olympus, clearly very angry with Lucas and his massive residual wealth (rivaling their own), have cursed the hubris-filled mortal to a lifetime of shame. With nothing left to control but the mortal's physical appearance, the gods issued a decree many years ago that his beard shall never grow nor ever be cut, and his burgeoning face and jowls shall grow around cursed beard for the rest of his days on earth.

Simply Speechless...

Thanks to our friends at failblog


see more pwn and owned pictures

Don't Top It

This is just my humble opinion, but I believe that there was probably alcohol involved in this ballsy display of golfing ability.

I'm gonna buy me some new shit!

Picture this, you come home from a long day of hustlin' on the corner, trying to make that dolla, while at the same time making sure the popo doesn't have a beat on you. More than likely it was cold outside, because you are in Chicago. It is also December, which is another problem, you don't have money for the rent or Christmas presents for your illegitimate children. The last thing you want to do is check the mail and find another bill. But wait! This time you find out that you have just won a $1,000 gift card from Shoptastic Solutions. "Hell Motha Fuckin' Yea!" you say to yourself. You then follow all the instructions on the letter... Click here for the rest of the story.

Note: The man in the picture above may or mat not have been involved in this story.

Blitzen takes off

We all know how we get presents on Christmas morning, Santa brings them. We all know that he does so on a flying sled pulled by eight flying reindeer. My question has always been how do the reindeer get into the air? Well I think I may have found my answer...

Cop Sends Rudolph Flying - Watch more Animal Videos

Dean and Company, Public Access Awesomeness

Merry Christmas from Dixie! Public access television has often been a proving ground for Hollywood hopefuls, young and old. North Central Alabama has been blessed for the past 30 years with skits, song, and dance from the talented Dean and Company, a family act whose Christmas special is second to none.



Be sure to check out their new website for the best illustration of why I hate carnivals and the gratuitous use of Flash-based websites. Be sure to have your speakers on high, and your psychotropic drugs in hand.

Monkey Lovers of South America

This is a video shot on location at our friend Chet Hondo's Monkey/Horse farm in Argentina. Thanks for the new video Senor Hondo.

Blue Collar vs White Collar Opposites

MGMT - Electric Feel


Men at Work - Overkill

Mayne event

New ep of Mayne Street, starring Kenny Mayne, some hot chick, and some other people...in case you couldn't google it yourself:

The High Bidder Will Simultaneously Be A Winner & Loser...

On last night's edition of The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, Scarlett Johansson spoke about her recent bout with a cold. She even blew her nose on air. This morning, the used Kleenex she discarded during the telecast appeared on ebay. As of this moment, the high bid for the snotty tissue stands at $2,125.00.

I don't care what charity this benefits; whomever pays enough money to win this "prize" needs a mental evaluation. If you rid yourself of a bodily fluid, I want nothing to do with it unless I am dying and your blood type matches my own. Otherwise, keep your filthy mucus/ semen/ ear wax/ excrement/ etc. away from me.

Where will society's obsession with celebrity go from here? We have already had people buy Brittany Spears' chewed gum and Tiger Woods' apple core via online auction. Could a shitty diaper from one of Brangelina's tribe of children be next? Hell, at least the high bidder of that crap filled "prize" would get DNA from two of Hollywood's most talented and attractive stars (assuming its from a biological child). The person who ends up with this tissue may be able to clone a curvy blond with minimal acting talent, but who wants a hot daughter in the first place? I pass on this offer in so many ways...

(Return) Flight of the Concords

Thanks to Funny or Die, there's no need to wait til January 18th for your dose of Murray and the boys. Here is the season premier

Season 2 Online Premiere - Flight of the Conchords - watch more funny videos

Jingle Bells

I don't know if this is real or not, but I thought it was pretty cool considering the season. Enjoy.

Texas Fight!

Hilarious ESPNU commercial that puts a huge smile on my face. With the recent snub(s) that the University of Texas and Colt McCoy(Pow! Pow!) have received from the Big XII/Heisman voters this couldn't have come at a better time.

Slingin' Sammy Baugh

The great Sammy Baugh passed away today at the age of 94. For those of you that do not know much about Sammy Baugh, he was the greatest athlete of his time. He graduated from TCU in 1936 where he was a two-time All-American. He played football, baseball and basketball while at TCU and was drafted to play baseball and football. Baugh was the 6th overall pick by the Redskins in 1937 and was the starting QB, Defensive Back and Punter. One season he led the league in passing, defensive td's and punting. During one game he threw for 4 td's and had 4 int's. He also threw for 6 td's in a game -- twice -- and kicked an 85-yd punt. Clearly this guy was a bad-ass in his day and he revitalized the game of football because of his ability to pass the ball. Slingin' Sammy still holds Redskins' records for career TD's passes, completion percentage in a season and his 31 career Int's is third on the Redskins all-time list. Sammy was last living inductee from the inagural Hall of Fame class. The era of this athlete no longer exists due to the one-dimensional nature of the athlete's trained today.

Boheim vs Microphone

Classic split-decision. After a last second loss at home to Cleveland State, Syracuse coach Jim Boheim was challenged to an impromptu four-round bout with a hot mic during his post-game conference. The judges would have given it to Jim on points, but the mic was still on its feet when Jim left the podium. Riots ensued.

Admiral Wentz...

Rear Admiral Pete Wentz that is. Yesterday morning on the Howard Stern show, the Fall Out Boy bassist and husband of Ashlee Simpson discussed many things. Some of the highlights included past encounters with the ladies, what his sister-in-law wears around the house, and the occassional back door action he delivers to his wife. Do you think that is what she was singing about in "Pieces of Me"? I can only imagine what Papa Joe Simpson is going to say about this, or hell, what his wife might have to say about him going pubic about her loose balloon knot. Sounds like Christmas dinner at the Simpson residence could get a little awkward. Here are a couple of pictures of the subject of this post...

...and here is a video of Ashlee getting ass raped by a SNL Producers (figuratively that is)

Hittin' the Linx

A short Par 3 edition for you today...
For the ladies - Brahsome
Stoned on Judge Judy - YepYep
Sorostitute gets the boot - World of Issac

Carolina Soccer Rocker

Holy mullet! I thought I was watching a game on ESPN Classic when I caught this gem a few minutes ago. Does anyone know the Spanish translation for, "You need a haircut...you look like an 80's douche bag"? Is this look acceptable in the Latino community?

Summer Phishing Trip to Tennessee

According to sources close to the band, Phish will be named the headlining act for this year's edition of Bonnaroo. Trey & the boys will receive top billing for two of the festival's four nights. On the final evening of the 'Roo, the closer will allegedly be Bruce Springsteen. The Boss and Phish on the same bill! Sounds very Flompus-friendly...click here to reserve your ticket(s) now!

Qu'est-ce que c'est? More Chizik talk

To say that Gene Chizik is not being welcomed with open arms at Auburn would be an understatement. He has now been ripped by awaiting fans at the airport, Charles Barkley and the Alabama faithful –- oh yes, the Crimson Tide had to throw a few punches at the new Auburn football coach.

Weekday Afternoon Rating's Dilemna for "The Worldwide Leader": Humanitarian Bowl vs. World Series of Poker Re-Runs

According to a Boise news station, the two schools participating in this year's Humanitarian Bowl have sold a whopping 24 combined tickets to the game. Assuming the figures shown were not a typo, the University of Nevada has gotten rid of 8 of its allotted tickets, while the University of Maryland has doubled their competitor's output with 16 seats sold. Let us hope they meant to say "8,000 & 16,000" or, at least, "800 & 1,600".

Regardless of the number of tickets sold, there is absolutely no reason for some bowls to exist. For starters, lets examine this particular contest: The kickoff is scheduled for 2:30 PM on Tuesday, December 30th. How many people will be home at this time? Even if folks were off work and able to catch the telecast, why would any non-affiliated viewer care to watch these two mediocre teams play a meaningless game? A Maryland or Nevada fan may set aside time to view the game on television, but would they ever consider shelling out the money to attend a December game in Idaho? Sitting in subzero weather as my .500 team runs around on frozen blue turf for 3 hours sounds about as fun as spending New Year's Eve in Boise....which you would also be forced to do in this situation. Here are some suggestions on how to improve the bowl season:

(1) If the bowl is held in a location where the average temperature falls below freezing in December, get rid of it. No good bowls (Rose, Fiesta, Orange, Sugar) take place in cold climates.

(2) Any bowl game scheduled to take place between 9 AM to 5 PM on a work day should be eliminated. If your bowl is not a big enough event to attract a prime time (or holiday/ weekend) television audience, there is no reason for it to exist.

(3) All bowl eligible teams should be at least 3 games over .500. Why reward programs with 6-6 and 7-5 records for having average seasons?

(4) Even if you oppose suggestions 1-3, I hope we all agree that 15 bowls should be set aside to determine a National Champion. The championship bracket would consist of 16 teams. The eventual winner would have to win 4 consecutive "bowl" games to be crowned champion.

No more BCS debates, no more pointless bowl games, & no more paper champions...sounds easy doesn't it?

Journalistic Hack!

This video is hilarious. Gotta love the dedication from "Cowboy Chris" despite the pissed off producer, the rent-a-cops, and the nice but persistent audio guy. According to Profootballtalk, the guy who repeatedly drops "F-Bombs" is a producer named Sean that hangs out with the talent and acts like he's the same. Effin ESPN. See more Cowboy Chris video's here.

Where's the Love?

Everyone at Auburn is real excited about the hiring of Gene Chizik as their new head football coach, except this guy. Athletic director Jay Jacobs gets a nice, warm welcome from his interview with Chizik.

Lil' Barry

Below you will find a video of Barry Sanders, Jr. Yes, the son of the greatest running back of my lifetime. Like his dad, young Barry appears to have the balance, speed, and vision to be an amazing RB. With genetics like those, college coaches should offer this high school freshman ASAP (though T. Boone Pickens may have something to say about him turning down his dad's alma mater).

Heisman = Shenanigans

Tonight Colt McCoy will lose the Heisman for the exact same reason that Tim Tebow won the Heisman last season. This year Colt McCoy carried his team with his leadership skills, raw talent and his West Texas "Bad-Ass" attitude through one of the toughest stretches of games in recent college football history. Through all this he still has numbers to win the Heisman, but with the Big XII showing everyone in America that they too can fuck up a wet dream, he will not win. In my opinion the Heisman is no longer about the best player in the country, its about the hottest quarterback/runningback on the hottest team in the country. See Eric Crouch, Jason White, Chris Weinke. Which all this sounds eerily similar to the trend of the BCS National Championship game. Hopefully I completely miss on this assumption and until then Colt McCoy for Heisman....Pow! Pow!

Classic

Ok, so call me immature but there is something very funny to see people do stupid shit like walking into windows, getting' hit in the "twig n' berries," etc.



Find more here.

The Opposites

Young Opie is taking a much-needed vacation from sleeping 9 hours a night and is currently down on the Mayan Riviera in Mexico recharging and getting more freckles. Therefore, I'm throwing up your opposites this week. We'll take a slightly different approach this week just to mix it up. "Clap your hands everybody, and everybody clap your hands!"

Nerds Acting Awesome – The boys from Tri Lam


Awesome Guys Acting Like Nerds – Flight of the Concords slightly new video

NEW Flight Of The Conchords- Ladies Of The World - watch more funny videos

Story about an Addictive, White, Powdery Substance Not Involving Matt Jones or Travis Henry

According to a study conducted by Princeton University, sugar promotes chemical changes in the human brain which mimic the effects of illicit drugs. The addictive qualities of the sweetener may explain why so many obese individuals have trouble losing weight. Furthermore, scientists have found that "sugar addiction" may lead to future abuse problems with other substances.

Assuming I am reading this correctly, sugar should take over the title of "most common gateway drug", currently held by marijuana. Does this mean that a pot smoker goes through the never ending three-step cycle shown below:

(1) Getting high

(2) Having the munchies

(3) Craving hard drugs & booze, since your body is full of various "gateway drugs"

I don't believe that "gateway drugs" exist. People like sweet stuff because it tastes good. Drugs and booze are ingested because they make people feel good. If you enjoy something, you repeat your consumption. Of course these things promote changes in our brains, but so does listening to good music or reading an interesting story. With our weak economy, its great to hear that people are wasting money to fund this sort of useless research.

Call a doctor, he's having a seizure

It's December, it's cold out, you have a few months to get your golf swing together. Charles Barkley on the other hand isn't so lucky. Check out his swing and try not to learn anything from it...

Tim Tebow Song

The game is to see how long you can listen to it without throwing up. I made it to 0:42. Try it. It's Thursday, what else have you got to do?



Post times in Comments. Courtesy TSB.

Bring It.

Here at MSMDO, we try to avoid political discussions whenever possible; but when politics get into sports, we get into politics. I also hate to see the folks on Capitol Hill dabbling in the realm of sports (since they have more important issues to entertain...like this whole recession thing), but in this case, their involvement is warranted.

Republican Joe Barton of Texas is set to propose legislation that will prevent the BCS from crowning a national champion under its current format, due to repeated "misfires". Rep. Barton cited the Southern Cal team from 2003, the Auburn team from 2004, and this year's mess as reasons for the new legislation. Rep. Barton said the bill...

"will prohibit the marketing, promotion, and advertising of a postseason game as a 'National Championship' football game, unless it is the result of a playoff system. Violations of the prohibition will be treated as violations of the Federal Trade Commission Act as an unfair or deceptive act or practice"

...thus making it illegal for the BCS and the NCAA to have a national champion without a playoff system! As I said before, normally I don't believe in mixing politics and sports, but this is something that needs to change. If passed by congress, it would be the most hands off way the government could handle the situation.

Friday Night Fail

He even wears the same number as DeSean Jackson in college...

Watch more BREAK.COM videos on AOL Video

RoboCop-A-Feel

Inventor Le Trung has built what he considers to be "the perfect woman". At a cost of over $20,000, the robot known as "Aiko" was constructed to serve as its maker's life partner. Much like "her" human equivalents, "she" carries on conversations, cleans the house, and plays an active role in her mate's daily life. The android even possesses all human senses with the exception of smell.

One question: why would Trung put so much time, energy, and money into a robot without an anatomically correct female genitalia? If this hunk of plastic and circuit boards cannot put out, how can she possibly be "the perfect woman"? I guess she could fetch him a cigarette, a hand towel, and some snacks after he rubs one out....but, hell, for $20,000, he could hire a maid...or a hooker.

Based on this guy's appearance, I would venture to say he failed to build a vagina because he has never seen one (his mother's birth canal excluded). I am sure he is aware that there is an "entrance" down there, but for all he knows, the hole could have tentacles like the desert pit creature from Return of the Jedi. Trung, you're a smart guy...do some human anatomy research, build a "love hole" for Aiko, and go to town. Though losing your v-card to something with a V-chip is lame, but its better than nothing.

Hittin' the Linx

Jessica Biel is naked - WWDTD
Drinking and Driving - Tasty Booze
117 things people like me like - Stuff White People Like
Athlete Signature Moves - Pyle of List
USC song girls in compromising positions - Busted Coverage
Worst times to beat - Uncoached
The new "Rock of Love" chicks - Gravey & Biscuits

Lil' Romeo Update: White Girls Love Cocaine

You knew this was coming. After being featured on countless morning talk shows, nine-year-old Alex Greven, author of How to Talk to Girls (Collins), has sold the film rights to 20th Century Fox. Congrats, Alex. You've peaked at nine. Good luck with the rest of your life. Full story here.

Hittin' the Linx

Happy 65th Birthday Jim - Youtube
Watch the Photographer - Afrojacks
Hot Alabama Chicks - Gunaxin
Barry cooper is a little edgy - Chet Hondo
How about 37 million over 3 years - ESPN
Winston Salem Schlongs - Deadspin
Did I say that outloud? - Afrojacks
Shows that would be great in 3-D - YepYep
Cheerleaders acting bad, with pictures - Don Chavez
Big Baby earns his nickname - The Angry T
Cowboy talks Alabama Football - Busted Coverage
Jared Allen explains his raging mullet - Youtube

Ready for December Madness?

It's time to vote for the Douchebag of the year and bracket #1 is out. My vote goes to Finalist #2. Click here to vote and see the matchups.

Visanthe Shiancoe's Junk

Hey dude, put your junk away, you are on national TV. Deadspin

Lord T & Eloise

I had the pleasure of seeing these fly-ass white boys from Memphis on Saturday night here in Hotlanta. I would consider them a mix between the Beastie Boys and Public Enemy with a strong influence from Memphis. Lord Treadwell and Maurice Eloise XIII are quickly spreading "Aristocrunk" throughout the Southeast so check'em out.

Chicks Dig the Long Ball

With the Baseball Winter Meetings cranking up this week in Las Vegas, we are sure to see a flurry of activity. Will Teixeira stay in Anaheim, will C.C. go for the green in NY, how much will a team pay Manny to be Manny? All those questions will be answered within the next month, and more than likely, something will happen this week that makes them happen in the near future. If you are interested in finding out the lastest rumors from the winter meetings, be sure to keep an eye on MLBTradeRumors.com, these guys have all the inside information.


One major move has already happened this off season, Greg Maddux has retired. Maddux will certainly go down as one of the greatest pitchers in the history of the game, and now with the steroid controversy swirling around Roger Clemens, Maddux may just go down of the greatest pitcher of a generation. In Honor of his retirement, here is one of the gems he gave us...

The Unofficial History of O.J. Simpson's Weeked

The following is an excerpt from the Monkey See, Monkey Do Opposite original rock opera "Lady Killer," copyright 2008, all rights reserved:

INT. PRISON - NIGHT

A tall, shadowy figure walks along a hallway from a brightly lit central room and turns down a darkened corridor lined with jail cells. The figure, flanked by two silent prison guards, walks with a restrained gait from the short leg chains restricting his normally long stride. The three men stop in front of the cell at the end of the row and one of the men opens the door. The prisoner steps into the cell under the the light of a single swinging bulb, revealing the face of a 60-something-year-old black man. Despite his advanced age, the man's imposing size and build have the appearance of a possibly once great athlete, withered by time.
A guard closes the sliding cell door and unlocks the handcuffs and leg chains.

Guard 1: Y'all play nice.
Prisoner: Y'all?

The guards smile and walk away. With a sunken head and a slouched body, the prisoner watches the guards walk back down the corridor.

Man's Voice: Looks like we're gonna be spendin' a lot of time together.
Prisoner: (turning, startled) What? Who are you?

Out of the shadows in the corner of the room steps a very large man, much larger and younger than the prisoner himself. The man sits on the only bed and makes himself comfortable.

Man: I'm your cellmate.
Prisoner: Cellmate? I didn't know I had a...
Man: I've been waiting for you.
Prisoner: Really, how long?
Man: A while.
Prisoner: My name is O.J.
Man: I know.

O.J. takes a seat on the bed and stares straight ahead. The man looks right at him. An awkward silence passes that seems to last forever.

Man: You know I'm going to be raping you, right?
O.J.: (sighs) Yeah, I know. For how long?
Man: Apparently, at least the next nine years. Most likely, the better part of the rest of your life.
(another long pause)
O.J.: What's your name?
Man: Justice.
OJ: Okay, Justice.

Outside the cell, a dove flaps its wings and cries.

Fade to black.

Charlie

Of course it's an old video, but it's still funny. Your Monday is gonna suck if you don't watch this.

Jizz In My Pants

This is what happens to me when I see women eat bananas, I sneeze, or see a midget....

I hope he fumbles the soap.

It is going to be tough to continue the search for the killer of his ex-wife from inside the clink. O.J. Simpson is going to prison; the question is for how long.

The former USC and Buffalo Bills star halfback who walked away a free man after a murder trial was due to learn Friday how much time he'll spend in a Nevada state prison for a botched attempt to recover sports mementoes and personal items from two collectibles peddlers.

"Best-case scenario we're hoping for is six years. That's the bottom-end number before being eligible for parole," Simpsons lawyer said.

Six years, not bad for a guy who slaughtered two and then robbed a few more in Vegas.

Grammy Opposites

This Friday's Opposites? Your Grammy nominees for 2008 Album of the Year. I guess the Academy is chalking this year up as a loss. My money is on Plant and Krauss with Birdman, Jr. as the wildcard. You have to believe that if the rich, white teenage daughters of the music industry executives can convince their fathers to buy them G-wagons, they can get them to vote for their favorite Hot Boy. Coldplay's album failed to deliver more than iTunes commerical glory, and Radiohead gave their album away for free. That can't sit well with the powers that be.

And the nominees are:

Lil' Wayne - Tha Carter III


Coldplay - Viva La Vida


Radiohead - In Rainbows


Robert Plant (how far you've fallen) and Alison Krauss - Raising Sand


Ne-Yo - Year of the Gentleman


Vote early...and often!

Akward

Funny Videos | Funny Cartoons | More Video Clips

Get off me Bitch

Your 2009 ACC Player of the year...

Jonathon Dwyer 1351 yards, 190 carries, 12 touchdowns, 7 yards per carry - Sophomore

Lil' Romeo

You might be wondering why I have posted a picture of a nine year old boy with a heart around him, it is not because I think he is precious. It is because the boy is a stone cold pimp. He goes by the name Alec Greven, and he wrote the book on "How to Talk to Girls". Literally, he wrote a book. In the book the the little playa suggest that

"It is easy to spot pretty girls because they have big earrings, fancy dresses and all the jewelry," and my personal favorite "girls are like cars, they need lots of oil".

No doubt Battlecat is on his way to Barnes and Noble to get a copy right now, he has a big party to go to this weekend.

Table vs. 150 Lb. College Lush

W: Wood Table (1-0)
L: Douchebag (0-1)
S: Reinforced Steel Frame (1)

Marijuana & The Dead (Not the "Grateful" Variety)

Sometime between the discovery of fire and the birth of Jesus Christ, an Asian gentleman was buried in the Gobi Desert with his most prized possessions. His grave was recently discovered and excavated by a team of professors. Among the items found at his final resting place was a two pound bag of the sticky-icky-icky. Though it had lost its once potent THC sometime over the past 2,700 years, the marijuana remains green to this day.

Given the wide range of views on what awaits us in the afterlife, this guy obviously felt his earthly goods would follow him into the great unknown. Forever is a long time. If his beliefs were correct, his stash was likely long gone before the first millennium AD. Let us hope this guy's glaucoma, anxiety, intestinal problems, etc. left him along with the breath from his body...or that he met some kind gentleman who was buried in a cannabis field before his first "dry" day. Otherwise, I bet someone woke up on the wrong side of the cloud when he realized heady kindness was nowhere to be found.

BOOM Goes the Dynamite!!

Someone got their hands on some of my old college videos. Wow.

For One Night Only (Thankfully)

Rosie O' Donnell's updated take on the once common 70's variety show, "Rosie Live", has been cancelled after only one episode. NBC elected to pull the plug on the program due to poor ratings and unfavorable reviews. Despite its failure, kudos to the network brain trust who originally approved this idea. If these fine gentlemen actually had a clue about what the American public enjoys watching, our little blog would still feature my serious anti-Russian post on top. Anyway, here is a list of projects starring Rosie O' Donnell I would actually watch:

1) Professional golfers hitting 1-irons at Rosie after being forced to listen to her talk for 8 consecutive hours. It would be just like that Ice-T movie, Surviving the Game, except bullets would be replaced by Titleist Pro-V1s.

2) A League of Their Own remake focusing on the lesbian tendencies of female professional athletes. With an updated cast of hot young starlets, I could even stand a brief Rosie nude scene in exchange for some au naturel shots of Scarlett Johansson. In the immortal words of Booger from Revenge of the Nerds, "pan down".

3) An episode of "The View" dedicated to talking trash about Rosie. All hosts would be encouraged to drink heavily before taping. In addition to putting down their former co-worker, Whoopi Goldberg would discuss (in graphic detail) her sexual escapades with Ted Danson while Barbara Walters does the same about Calvin Coolidge. It would be the first and only male friendly episode of this awful show.

4) A guest stint by Rosie on "Dirty Jobs". Her first order of business would be unclogging John Goodman's toilet a month into his "Chinese food only" diet. Note: Not for those who suffer from a weak stomach.

5) A celebrity boxing match between Rosie and Donald Trump. Instead of gloves, their hands would be covered in double stick tape and glass (think JCVD's final fight in Bloodsport). While both participants would likely become grossly disfigured (meaning neither could appear on national television ever again), the loser must die for the bout to end. Either way, its a "win-win" proposition for the American public and would likely draw 10 times more viewers than "Rosie Live".

U-S-A, U-S-A

According to a top Russian political analyst, the economic crisis in the United States will eventually lead to its demise as a nation. Professor Igor Panarin believes that increased dissatisfaction over the current financial situation will lead US citizens to uprise and split the nation into 6 separate countries. At this time, Russia would take over the position of "watch dog" to the world's markets.

So Russia will replace the United States as the world's preeminent superpower? I guess Igor has been too busy listening to national propaganda instead of following actual developments in his homeland. Russia's resurgence has been greatly exaggerated. Much like the United States and Europe, it has been hit hard by lean economic times. Unlike their US counterparts, Russian citizens are unaware of the magnitude of the situation, thanks to a government "spin strategy" which has prevented news of market woes from hitting the airwaves. Additionally, the average life expectancy of Russian males has fallen to 59 years as birth rates decline.

Yep, life in Moscow is dandy, Igor. Just because your country separated into smaller providences following the Cold War does not mean our country will suffer a similar fate. Mark my words...you will never see mail order brides going from the United States to Russia. Things are tough here, but never as bad as they will be in your icy hell hole of a country.

*Apologies for writing about such a serious topic. I found this article preposterous and had to comment. I promise more stuff about sports, boobs, music, beer, mind altering substances, etc. in the near future.

It's Thanksgiving Time

...I like your new blazer.

Thanks, YourDailyMedia, the past couple episodes of The Soup, and Chet Hondo.

Hittin' the Linx

Messing with a Crackhead - Chet Hondo
My Morning Jacket goes for a ride - Brahsome
Plane hits cow - Afrojacks
A tasty lady - Celebridiot
This kid will regret making this video - Bright Black Internet
National Kick a ginger Day - Canada
Hey Bill, how does 8 mil sound? - Yahoo!
Bobby Bowden really know how to get em goin' - Fark
Santonio Holmes gets the pot knocked out of him - Deadspin

This is why you don't brag

That is the Lauren County Courthouse in Dublin, Georgia. That is also where 25-year-old Rico Todriquez Wright was sentenced to the next 20 years of his life in jail this past Monday. Rico is not somebody that we would describe as intelligent, humble, or even a good person. What did Senior Wright do you ask? He just laid down a hot new track, in which he raps

"Chad Blue knows how I shoot."

Now I know you are probably asking what is wrong with rapping about somebody you claim to have shot, it happens all the time, right? No. This time the victim heard his name and went to the police, who arrested said rapper. Hey Rico, you know why they call it the pokey, right?

The Worldwide Leader in Generalizations

Last Thursday, ESPN pulled the plug on a national ad campaign featuring stereotypical students from college basketball powers. Luckily for us, the email describing each team's fans made its way to the interweb before the plans were nixed. Below are some choice cuts from the memo:

--[ LOUISVILLE ]--MALE: Louisville is very true to place. He's short. He's HISPANIC. And one day he hopes to carry on in proud Louisville tradition and race thoroughbreds. (Translation: a midget jockey)
--[ MARQUETTE ]--FEMALE: Marquette, on a scale of 1-10, she's a six. A B-, C in every category you can define a person by. Her defining characteristic is you don't really remember her. You're not breaking your arm to get to her, but you're not chewing it off to get away. She does have a winning personality though. Midwest, sweet girl. (Translation: slightly overweight, middle aged Kirstie Alley...post Cheers, pre Fat Actress... you know you would have considered banging her if no one found out).
--[ SYRACUSE ]--MALE: Jewish kid from Long Island that is loving the college experience. It has opened up a world he never knew existed. All you can eat buffets in the cafeteria — who knew? To Syracuse, everything is a party. (Translation: McLovin).

Since Dook and UNC were the only local schools featured in the memo (& their descriptions were not offensive enough for comment), I decided to expand the list to feature other North Carolina institutions of higher learning. Here they are:

--(APPALACHIAN STATE)--
MALE: White kid sporting bloodshot eyes and hemp clothing. While not his primary source of income (hint, hint), this brah works at the head shop, where he abuses his employee discount. He spends most of his earnings at "his office", but does manage to save enough to fuel his Suburu Outback during "heady" summer tours. Can often be found munching on organic goodies between sessions of disk golf.

--(NORTH CAROLINA STATE)--
MALE: "Country strong" white guy who whose wardrobe consists totally of jeans, t-shirts (mostly red), white button-up shirts (for nights on the town), and boots. His preferred way to spend a weekend is on the couch with his dog, a spit cup, and his "DVRed" collection of past NASCAR races. Drives a near "Bigfoot-sized" truck featuring an array of stickers (highlights...Calvin pissing on Jeff Gordon's number, the outline of a deer head, and "Git R Dun").
--(EAST CAROLINA)--
FEMALE: Attractive scantly-clad girl who appears to be wearing the same clothes she had on the previous evening. Despite having a pretty face, makeup is applied using an industrial strength paintsprayer. Unfortunately, Estee Lauder does not produce concealer powerful enough to hide the variety of heinous bumps circling her mouth. Often can be seen singing along to G105 while driving her Camaro to & from the student clinic. For reference, think Paris Hilton minus Hilton Hotels.

I kid, I kid....

The only reason I have found to watch the NBA.

The Perfect Option

Georgia Tech + Erin Andrews + Thursday night football = Fucking Awesome

Another Kid with Skillz

Check out tackling / trucking machine Ben Wilson. the little dump truck is wearing several different numbers in this highlight reel, but you will be able to pick him out fairly easily. He will be the one running over everything in sight. Sorry for posting a another video about kids playing sports, but this one doesn't suck like that little girl and her basketballs.

Dribbling Prodigy

There's a WNBA punchline here somewhere.

Hittin' the Linx

Desmond Howard throws RichRod under the Bus - Detroit News
Snoop and Martha Stewart share prison stories - Geno's World
Old people getting down - Brahsome
You knocked the fuck out - Afrojacks
A true American porn hero - funny or die
Megan Fox = Hot - Celebridiot
10 fun moments in women's beer bong history - Uncoached
We are Marshall - Don Chavez
Old stripper news - Fox News
More stripper news - 94.1
Most ridiculous video of the day - Afrojacks

Just face it.

Sofa King Smart

Long-time English professor, Wilson Watson, recently retired from the profession after 35 years of service. Over that time, he encountered an abundance of grammatical errors in his students' work. Maybe its because he taught in a Baltimore suburb (thank you, The Wire, for changing my perception of the town), maybe its because he was tenured at a community college, maybe its because he was a sorry teacher, or maybe it was some combination of those things...whatever the case, his students were not the sharpest tools in the classroom. Since I am the compass to their protractor, I have decided to offer some commentary on the "worst of the worst" English errors seen by Mr. Watson:

• “Christopher Columbus sailed all over the world until he found Ohio.”
--Columbus finally hit land in a town that would soon bear his name. Once he met the locals (not Native Americans, but a gel-haired, weightlifting tribe known as "Big Tenners"), food and booze were traded for garments sporting strange words like "Abercrombie" and "Aeropostale". Suddenly, the student realized he was tripping balls. He was not Christopher Columbus, was not on the coast, and hated f*cking Ohio.

• “For example, one homeless person lives under a bride in Lanham, Md.”
--The student is obviously describing his dad's daily routine. However, if you are looking for pops on the first Monday of the month, you may want to try the local welfare office or the ABC Store.

• “The children of lesbian couples receive as much neutering as those of other couples."
--Since "gay" equals "chic" in Hollywood and only one celebrity publicly supports neutering loved ones, does that in turn make Bob Barker a "chic lesbian"? A pro-neutering position by the lesbians is no surprise (since they have no use for the male equipment) but I wonder if they also support spaying?

• “Another effect of smoking is it may give you cancer of the thought.”
--Apparently, this student read his professor's "how I forced my teacher to retire " article while puffing a cig. Unfortunately, I think I caught "cancer of the thought" from reading this nonsense as well and I don't even use tobacco products.

Here's the whole article....

The spread is so last year...

Check out the new offense sweeping the nation. It is called the A-11, but it is really just a punt formation with two quarterbacks. Read more here.

Hill Country Troubadour

I spent Halloween weekend in New Orleans, and it was great, thanks for asking. I got food poisoning from Mother's and had to spend two solid hours listening to a bunch of dirty Panic fans talk about how messed up they were--yes, both flights--but it was the Fall, so the stench of swampland and corruption was tolerable.

It got me thinking about Southern cities and how often you find the best things in the worst places. Naturally, my thoughts took me to Memphis, home of the the 3-7 Grizzlies, Justin Timberlake, and of course, Beale Street.

The next time you find yourself stumbling in and out of the bars and blues clubs, make sure you keep heading down the street until you find the New Daisy Theatre. If it's a good night, you'll hear it before you see it. And if it's a really good night, you'll be witness to a man playing a drum kit with his feet, and a cigar box guitar with his hands. Meet Richard Johnston, the Hill Country Troubadour, and my favorite thing about Memphis:

Return of Romessica!!!

This Sunday night will feature the best rivalry in the NFL, when the Cowboys and Redskins face off at FedEx field. Both teams are coming off bye weeks and both teams have a number of key injuries that should factor into the outcome of the game. The Redskins have a number of probables and and one big question mark, being Clinton Portis. Dallas has a number players nicked up as well but they are counting on the return of Tony Romo, aka Romessica, and his pinky to save their season. While both teams have been inconsistent to start the season they can turn it around with this game. Sound be a classic NFC East showdown. Enjoy the Video.

Things that are...good.

Good website.
Good Oscar buzz.*
Good spider.**
Good Lord, the man doesn't stop.
Good odds, overcome.
Good news.
Good night, young man (watch #3).


*I HATE the term "Oscar buzz," especially in November, but i'm going to use it anyway. Suck it, Billy Bush. Why don't you and Seacrest go down to the Kodak Theater and pump each other.
**UPDATE: Spider sells

Rock-n-Roll Opposites

J. Roddy Walston and the Business - Rock-n-Roll the 2nd

Gary Glitter - Rock'n Roll part 2

Crushing Cans With Cans

Oh my jugs! Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Busty Heart(it's a family name)! Although Busty was dealt a saggy rack, she is making the best of it. Ms. Heart is a resourceful woman, and smart to boot. After she noticed the effects that gravity had on her unrestrained fun bags she decided to use them to better the world. How do big tits better the world you ask? Recycling my friend, recycling. The sky is the limit for this enterprising woman.
Big ups to Chip for the heads up.

Who still roller skates?

Stop the Presses!...Obama Likes Cold Drinks & Hot Girls

According to a story released by the AP, President Elect Barack Obama craves foods such as pizza, pasta, mac n' cheese, fried chicken, pies, and Mexican cuisine. He also fancies an occasional drink, often in the form of wine or a margarita. His major culinary dislike: beets. In other news, the future leader of the free world enjoys getting laid, sports, days off from work, hanging with the guys, and watching other men get hit in the balls by various objects.

Wow, thanks for the newsflash folks at the Associated Press! I never would have guessed Obama likes pizza and hates beets without your first hand insight. As you may know, many journalists dismiss bloggers as novice writers with unoriginal ideas. Maybe one day I will be able to contribute to America's largest news agency, using my nearly unlimited resources to ask the president "Will the sun rise tomorrow?" or "Have you ever touched a dinosaur?"... you know, the really tough questions.

Note #1: The number of "Obama eating" pictures found on google images is disturbing.
Note #2: If you cannot tell that this post is oozing with sarcasm, please turn off the computer and return to your desk before your teacher catches you reading this rubbish.