The Worldwide Leader in Generalizations

Last Thursday, ESPN pulled the plug on a national ad campaign featuring stereotypical students from college basketball powers. Luckily for us, the email describing each team's fans made its way to the interweb before the plans were nixed. Below are some choice cuts from the memo:

--[ LOUISVILLE ]--MALE: Louisville is very true to place. He's short. He's HISPANIC. And one day he hopes to carry on in proud Louisville tradition and race thoroughbreds. (Translation: a midget jockey)
--[ MARQUETTE ]--FEMALE: Marquette, on a scale of 1-10, she's a six. A B-, C in every category you can define a person by. Her defining characteristic is you don't really remember her. You're not breaking your arm to get to her, but you're not chewing it off to get away. She does have a winning personality though. Midwest, sweet girl. (Translation: slightly overweight, middle aged Kirstie Alley...post Cheers, pre Fat Actress... you know you would have considered banging her if no one found out).
--[ SYRACUSE ]--MALE: Jewish kid from Long Island that is loving the college experience. It has opened up a world he never knew existed. All you can eat buffets in the cafeteria — who knew? To Syracuse, everything is a party. (Translation: McLovin).

Since Dook and UNC were the only local schools featured in the memo (& their descriptions were not offensive enough for comment), I decided to expand the list to feature other North Carolina institutions of higher learning. Here they are:

--(APPALACHIAN STATE)--
MALE: White kid sporting bloodshot eyes and hemp clothing. While not his primary source of income (hint, hint), this brah works at the head shop, where he abuses his employee discount. He spends most of his earnings at "his office", but does manage to save enough to fuel his Suburu Outback during "heady" summer tours. Can often be found munching on organic goodies between sessions of disk golf.

--(NORTH CAROLINA STATE)--
MALE: "Country strong" white guy who whose wardrobe consists totally of jeans, t-shirts (mostly red), white button-up shirts (for nights on the town), and boots. His preferred way to spend a weekend is on the couch with his dog, a spit cup, and his "DVRed" collection of past NASCAR races. Drives a near "Bigfoot-sized" truck featuring an array of stickers (highlights...Calvin pissing on Jeff Gordon's number, the outline of a deer head, and "Git R Dun").
--(EAST CAROLINA)--
FEMALE: Attractive scantly-clad girl who appears to be wearing the same clothes she had on the previous evening. Despite having a pretty face, makeup is applied using an industrial strength paintsprayer. Unfortunately, Estee Lauder does not produce concealer powerful enough to hide the variety of heinous bumps circling her mouth. Often can be seen singing along to G105 while driving her Camaro to & from the student clinic. For reference, think Paris Hilton minus Hilton Hotels.

I kid, I kid....