Sofa King Smart

Long-time English professor, Wilson Watson, recently retired from the profession after 35 years of service. Over that time, he encountered an abundance of grammatical errors in his students' work. Maybe its because he taught in a Baltimore suburb (thank you, The Wire, for changing my perception of the town), maybe its because he was tenured at a community college, maybe its because he was a sorry teacher, or maybe it was some combination of those things...whatever the case, his students were not the sharpest tools in the classroom. Since I am the compass to their protractor, I have decided to offer some commentary on the "worst of the worst" English errors seen by Mr. Watson:

• “Christopher Columbus sailed all over the world until he found Ohio.”
--Columbus finally hit land in a town that would soon bear his name. Once he met the locals (not Native Americans, but a gel-haired, weightlifting tribe known as "Big Tenners"), food and booze were traded for garments sporting strange words like "Abercrombie" and "Aeropostale". Suddenly, the student realized he was tripping balls. He was not Christopher Columbus, was not on the coast, and hated f*cking Ohio.

• “For example, one homeless person lives under a bride in Lanham, Md.”
--The student is obviously describing his dad's daily routine. However, if you are looking for pops on the first Monday of the month, you may want to try the local welfare office or the ABC Store.

• “The children of lesbian couples receive as much neutering as those of other couples."
--Since "gay" equals "chic" in Hollywood and only one celebrity publicly supports neutering loved ones, does that in turn make Bob Barker a "chic lesbian"? A pro-neutering position by the lesbians is no surprise (since they have no use for the male equipment) but I wonder if they also support spaying?

• “Another effect of smoking is it may give you cancer of the thought.”
--Apparently, this student read his professor's "how I forced my teacher to retire " article while puffing a cig. Unfortunately, I think I caught "cancer of the thought" from reading this nonsense as well and I don't even use tobacco products.

Here's the whole article....