For One Night Only (Thankfully)

Rosie O' Donnell's updated take on the once common 70's variety show, "Rosie Live", has been cancelled after only one episode. NBC elected to pull the plug on the program due to poor ratings and unfavorable reviews. Despite its failure, kudos to the network brain trust who originally approved this idea. If these fine gentlemen actually had a clue about what the American public enjoys watching, our little blog would still feature my serious anti-Russian post on top. Anyway, here is a list of projects starring Rosie O' Donnell I would actually watch:

1) Professional golfers hitting 1-irons at Rosie after being forced to listen to her talk for 8 consecutive hours. It would be just like that Ice-T movie, Surviving the Game, except bullets would be replaced by Titleist Pro-V1s.

2) A League of Their Own remake focusing on the lesbian tendencies of female professional athletes. With an updated cast of hot young starlets, I could even stand a brief Rosie nude scene in exchange for some au naturel shots of Scarlett Johansson. In the immortal words of Booger from Revenge of the Nerds, "pan down".

3) An episode of "The View" dedicated to talking trash about Rosie. All hosts would be encouraged to drink heavily before taping. In addition to putting down their former co-worker, Whoopi Goldberg would discuss (in graphic detail) her sexual escapades with Ted Danson while Barbara Walters does the same about Calvin Coolidge. It would be the first and only male friendly episode of this awful show.

4) A guest stint by Rosie on "Dirty Jobs". Her first order of business would be unclogging John Goodman's toilet a month into his "Chinese food only" diet. Note: Not for those who suffer from a weak stomach.

5) A celebrity boxing match between Rosie and Donald Trump. Instead of gloves, their hands would be covered in double stick tape and glass (think JCVD's final fight in Bloodsport). While both participants would likely become grossly disfigured (meaning neither could appear on national television ever again), the loser must die for the bout to end. Either way, its a "win-win" proposition for the American public and would likely draw 10 times more viewers than "Rosie Live".