U-S-A, U-S-A

According to a top Russian political analyst, the economic crisis in the United States will eventually lead to its demise as a nation. Professor Igor Panarin believes that increased dissatisfaction over the current financial situation will lead US citizens to uprise and split the nation into 6 separate countries. At this time, Russia would take over the position of "watch dog" to the world's markets.

So Russia will replace the United States as the world's preeminent superpower? I guess Igor has been too busy listening to national propaganda instead of following actual developments in his homeland. Russia's resurgence has been greatly exaggerated. Much like the United States and Europe, it has been hit hard by lean economic times. Unlike their US counterparts, Russian citizens are unaware of the magnitude of the situation, thanks to a government "spin strategy" which has prevented news of market woes from hitting the airwaves. Additionally, the average life expectancy of Russian males has fallen to 59 years as birth rates decline.

Yep, life in Moscow is dandy, Igor. Just because your country separated into smaller providences following the Cold War does not mean our country will suffer a similar fate. Mark my words...you will never see mail order brides going from the United States to Russia. Things are tough here, but never as bad as they will be in your icy hell hole of a country.

*Apologies for writing about such a serious topic. I found this article preposterous and had to comment. I promise more stuff about sports, boobs, music, beer, mind altering substances, etc. in the near future.

It's Thanksgiving Time

...I like your new blazer.

Thanks, YourDailyMedia, the past couple episodes of The Soup, and Chet Hondo.

Hittin' the Linx

Messing with a Crackhead - Chet Hondo
My Morning Jacket goes for a ride - Brahsome
Plane hits cow - Afrojacks
A tasty lady - Celebridiot
This kid will regret making this video - Bright Black Internet
National Kick a ginger Day - Canada
Hey Bill, how does 8 mil sound? - Yahoo!
Bobby Bowden really know how to get em goin' - Fark
Santonio Holmes gets the pot knocked out of him - Deadspin

This is why you don't brag

That is the Lauren County Courthouse in Dublin, Georgia. That is also where 25-year-old Rico Todriquez Wright was sentenced to the next 20 years of his life in jail this past Monday. Rico is not somebody that we would describe as intelligent, humble, or even a good person. What did Senior Wright do you ask? He just laid down a hot new track, in which he raps

"Chad Blue knows how I shoot."

Now I know you are probably asking what is wrong with rapping about somebody you claim to have shot, it happens all the time, right? No. This time the victim heard his name and went to the police, who arrested said rapper. Hey Rico, you know why they call it the pokey, right?

The Worldwide Leader in Generalizations

Last Thursday, ESPN pulled the plug on a national ad campaign featuring stereotypical students from college basketball powers. Luckily for us, the email describing each team's fans made its way to the interweb before the plans were nixed. Below are some choice cuts from the memo:

--[ LOUISVILLE ]--MALE: Louisville is very true to place. He's short. He's HISPANIC. And one day he hopes to carry on in proud Louisville tradition and race thoroughbreds. (Translation: a midget jockey)
--[ MARQUETTE ]--FEMALE: Marquette, on a scale of 1-10, she's a six. A B-, C in every category you can define a person by. Her defining characteristic is you don't really remember her. You're not breaking your arm to get to her, but you're not chewing it off to get away. She does have a winning personality though. Midwest, sweet girl. (Translation: slightly overweight, middle aged Kirstie Alley...post Cheers, pre Fat Actress... you know you would have considered banging her if no one found out).
--[ SYRACUSE ]--MALE: Jewish kid from Long Island that is loving the college experience. It has opened up a world he never knew existed. All you can eat buffets in the cafeteria — who knew? To Syracuse, everything is a party. (Translation: McLovin).

Since Dook and UNC were the only local schools featured in the memo (& their descriptions were not offensive enough for comment), I decided to expand the list to feature other North Carolina institutions of higher learning. Here they are:

--(APPALACHIAN STATE)--
MALE: White kid sporting bloodshot eyes and hemp clothing. While not his primary source of income (hint, hint), this brah works at the head shop, where he abuses his employee discount. He spends most of his earnings at "his office", but does manage to save enough to fuel his Suburu Outback during "heady" summer tours. Can often be found munching on organic goodies between sessions of disk golf.

--(NORTH CAROLINA STATE)--
MALE: "Country strong" white guy who whose wardrobe consists totally of jeans, t-shirts (mostly red), white button-up shirts (for nights on the town), and boots. His preferred way to spend a weekend is on the couch with his dog, a spit cup, and his "DVRed" collection of past NASCAR races. Drives a near "Bigfoot-sized" truck featuring an array of stickers (highlights...Calvin pissing on Jeff Gordon's number, the outline of a deer head, and "Git R Dun").
--(EAST CAROLINA)--
FEMALE: Attractive scantly-clad girl who appears to be wearing the same clothes she had on the previous evening. Despite having a pretty face, makeup is applied using an industrial strength paintsprayer. Unfortunately, Estee Lauder does not produce concealer powerful enough to hide the variety of heinous bumps circling her mouth. Often can be seen singing along to G105 while driving her Camaro to & from the student clinic. For reference, think Paris Hilton minus Hilton Hotels.

I kid, I kid....

The only reason I have found to watch the NBA.

The Perfect Option

Georgia Tech + Erin Andrews + Thursday night football = Fucking Awesome

Another Kid with Skillz

Check out tackling / trucking machine Ben Wilson. the little dump truck is wearing several different numbers in this highlight reel, but you will be able to pick him out fairly easily. He will be the one running over everything in sight. Sorry for posting a another video about kids playing sports, but this one doesn't suck like that little girl and her basketballs.

Dribbling Prodigy

There's a WNBA punchline here somewhere.

Hittin' the Linx

Desmond Howard throws RichRod under the Bus - Detroit News
Snoop and Martha Stewart share prison stories - Geno's World
Old people getting down - Brahsome
You knocked the fuck out - Afrojacks
A true American porn hero - funny or die
Megan Fox = Hot - Celebridiot
10 fun moments in women's beer bong history - Uncoached
We are Marshall - Don Chavez
Old stripper news - Fox News
More stripper news - 94.1
Most ridiculous video of the day - Afrojacks

Just face it.

Sofa King Smart

Long-time English professor, Wilson Watson, recently retired from the profession after 35 years of service. Over that time, he encountered an abundance of grammatical errors in his students' work. Maybe its because he taught in a Baltimore suburb (thank you, The Wire, for changing my perception of the town), maybe its because he was tenured at a community college, maybe its because he was a sorry teacher, or maybe it was some combination of those things...whatever the case, his students were not the sharpest tools in the classroom. Since I am the compass to their protractor, I have decided to offer some commentary on the "worst of the worst" English errors seen by Mr. Watson:

• “Christopher Columbus sailed all over the world until he found Ohio.”
--Columbus finally hit land in a town that would soon bear his name. Once he met the locals (not Native Americans, but a gel-haired, weightlifting tribe known as "Big Tenners"), food and booze were traded for garments sporting strange words like "Abercrombie" and "Aeropostale". Suddenly, the student realized he was tripping balls. He was not Christopher Columbus, was not on the coast, and hated f*cking Ohio.

• “For example, one homeless person lives under a bride in Lanham, Md.”
--The student is obviously describing his dad's daily routine. However, if you are looking for pops on the first Monday of the month, you may want to try the local welfare office or the ABC Store.

• “The children of lesbian couples receive as much neutering as those of other couples."
--Since "gay" equals "chic" in Hollywood and only one celebrity publicly supports neutering loved ones, does that in turn make Bob Barker a "chic lesbian"? A pro-neutering position by the lesbians is no surprise (since they have no use for the male equipment) but I wonder if they also support spaying?

• “Another effect of smoking is it may give you cancer of the thought.”
--Apparently, this student read his professor's "how I forced my teacher to retire " article while puffing a cig. Unfortunately, I think I caught "cancer of the thought" from reading this nonsense as well and I don't even use tobacco products.

Here's the whole article....

The spread is so last year...

Check out the new offense sweeping the nation. It is called the A-11, but it is really just a punt formation with two quarterbacks. Read more here.

Hill Country Troubadour

I spent Halloween weekend in New Orleans, and it was great, thanks for asking. I got food poisoning from Mother's and had to spend two solid hours listening to a bunch of dirty Panic fans talk about how messed up they were--yes, both flights--but it was the Fall, so the stench of swampland and corruption was tolerable.

It got me thinking about Southern cities and how often you find the best things in the worst places. Naturally, my thoughts took me to Memphis, home of the the 3-7 Grizzlies, Justin Timberlake, and of course, Beale Street.

The next time you find yourself stumbling in and out of the bars and blues clubs, make sure you keep heading down the street until you find the New Daisy Theatre. If it's a good night, you'll hear it before you see it. And if it's a really good night, you'll be witness to a man playing a drum kit with his feet, and a cigar box guitar with his hands. Meet Richard Johnston, the Hill Country Troubadour, and my favorite thing about Memphis:

Return of Romessica!!!

This Sunday night will feature the best rivalry in the NFL, when the Cowboys and Redskins face off at FedEx field. Both teams are coming off bye weeks and both teams have a number of key injuries that should factor into the outcome of the game. The Redskins have a number of probables and and one big question mark, being Clinton Portis. Dallas has a number players nicked up as well but they are counting on the return of Tony Romo, aka Romessica, and his pinky to save their season. While both teams have been inconsistent to start the season they can turn it around with this game. Sound be a classic NFC East showdown. Enjoy the Video.

Things that are...good.

Good website.
Good Oscar buzz.*
Good spider.**
Good Lord, the man doesn't stop.
Good odds, overcome.
Good news.
Good night, young man (watch #3).


*I HATE the term "Oscar buzz," especially in November, but i'm going to use it anyway. Suck it, Billy Bush. Why don't you and Seacrest go down to the Kodak Theater and pump each other.
**UPDATE: Spider sells

Rock-n-Roll Opposites

J. Roddy Walston and the Business - Rock-n-Roll the 2nd

Gary Glitter - Rock'n Roll part 2

Crushing Cans With Cans

Oh my jugs! Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Busty Heart(it's a family name)! Although Busty was dealt a saggy rack, she is making the best of it. Ms. Heart is a resourceful woman, and smart to boot. After she noticed the effects that gravity had on her unrestrained fun bags she decided to use them to better the world. How do big tits better the world you ask? Recycling my friend, recycling. The sky is the limit for this enterprising woman.
Big ups to Chip for the heads up.

Who still roller skates?

Stop the Presses!...Obama Likes Cold Drinks & Hot Girls

According to a story released by the AP, President Elect Barack Obama craves foods such as pizza, pasta, mac n' cheese, fried chicken, pies, and Mexican cuisine. He also fancies an occasional drink, often in the form of wine or a margarita. His major culinary dislike: beets. In other news, the future leader of the free world enjoys getting laid, sports, days off from work, hanging with the guys, and watching other men get hit in the balls by various objects.

Wow, thanks for the newsflash folks at the Associated Press! I never would have guessed Obama likes pizza and hates beets without your first hand insight. As you may know, many journalists dismiss bloggers as novice writers with unoriginal ideas. Maybe one day I will be able to contribute to America's largest news agency, using my nearly unlimited resources to ask the president "Will the sun rise tomorrow?" or "Have you ever touched a dinosaur?"... you know, the really tough questions.

Note #1: The number of "Obama eating" pictures found on google images is disturbing.
Note #2: If you cannot tell that this post is oozing with sarcasm, please turn off the computer and return to your desk before your teacher catches you reading this rubbish.

Decision '08: Porn for Palin?

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Rap with a Rock twist

Here is a little music to get your Thursday going. This pair of brothers call themselves "The Knux", they are from Hollywood by way of New Orleans. They are a refreshing take on rap music considering most new rap today is about ho's, tricks, bling, and cars. The Knux will be in Atlanta and Charlotte later this month, and you can check them out on their myspace page. Enjoy.

Oh Yeah, and one of the brothers goes by the name "Krispy Kream"

Stereotypes: Accurate More Often Than Not

For whatever reason, black men tend to gravitate towards pale chubby chicks with "front butts" (for reference, see: Weis, Charlie) who require at least two seats on commercial airliners. While this is not a new phenomenon, I believe this is the first song to be written on the subject. Enjoy!


Thank you Chet Hondo

The Next "Next Karate Kid"

Since no one in Hollywood has an original bone in their body, it pains me to announce the pending arrival of yet another movie remake. Jaden Smith (ie mini Fresh Prince) will take over the role of the "kid" in a new Karate Kid project(anticipated release date unknown as of this time). Let me guess the plot of the film...Smith is a poor, p*ssy kid growing up on the wrong side of the tracks. After years of being pushed around by his "gangster" peers, he meets a wise Asian (played by either Jackie Chan, Jet Li, the Donger from Sixteen Candles, or Takashi from Revenge of the Nerds...RIP Pat Morita) who takes young Jaden under his wing and teaches him valuable life lessons through martial arts.

Please tell me those diabolical bastards over at Cobra Kai are behind this plot. Another Karate Kid remake? How quickly have we forgotten The Next Karate Kid? Though it did launch the career of Hillary Swank (which definitely had more to do with her talent and killer body than the script of that film), the movie totally sucked balls. First a white girl, now a black kid...guess we have to cover all of the bases. I am not looking forward to 2015, when I see the trailer for The Martial Arts Guy. It will star Cheech as a geriatic former hairdresser struggling to survive gang violence in Mexico City...until Mr. Miyagi's granddaughter (played by Lucy Liu) proves age is just one more obstacle that can be overcome by the power of karate.

Anyway, here is a classic tournament montage clip from the original (I *heart* Joe Esposito)....

NC Department of Ice

Have you ever wanted to look like Tu-Pac? I know nobody wants to go through the pain of getting "Thug Life" tattooed across your abs (beer gut), and that nobody knows where to buy gang color specific bandannas, that's why I'm not talking about the tats and the du-rag. I'm talking about the bling! Well now is your chance, thanks to the great state of North Carolina, and the NC Department of Revenue. This Thursday at the NC state fair grounds, you and everybody else have a fair shot at bidding on a prized piece of seized "gangster jewelry". There is something for every body's taste, take your pick form the diamond studded crucifix, the 1.5lb gold rope, the golden pit bull or the diamond encrusted gorilla, they have something for the thug in all of us. Me, I'm hoping for a platinum AK-47. Happy Bidding!
Read More Here

The Mayne Street

For those of you that grew up watching SportsCenter, you should always appreciate a little Kenny Mayne. Enjoy.

Beers, Blowouts, & Black Crowes

Since I am too lazy to search for topics of interest on the internet today, I have decided to type a (somewhat brief) recap of my (long) weekend. Here are the highlights:

Following a late Wednesday night, I felt like mung wrapped in AIDS as I arrived at a charity golf tournament on Thursday. My intense headache quickly evaporated (along with my golf game), thanks to the beers & jello shots (yes, jello shots) provided on nearly every other hole. A total blackout before sundown forced me into bed around 9:30

My first 30 minutes of Friday morning were spent praying to the "porcelain godess". After doing my best Nicole Ritchie impersonation and suffering through a full day at the office, I was off to Chapel Hill for homecoming. Here I attended an alumni fraternity party featuring Doug Clark & the Hot Nuts. Doug (who died years ago) was probably doing cartwheels in his casket as he listened to his (senior citizen) former bandmates cover Rihanna songs.

Following last call on Friday, most of my friends returned to their old dorm (Granville Towers) to spend the night. Since it was so cheap (& is now rented like an stripped down hotel), one of my Jewish pals dropped his room at a normal motel to stay here. Did I mention we told him a password to receive an additional discount on the room? He called Granville and actually managed to slip "foreskin" into his conversation with the booking agent, thinking it would save him some money.

The game on Saturday was a blowout (how you like them apples, Opie...UNC > GaTech). To celebrate, many of my friends spent the entire day pounding liquor drinks. One managed to steal an "Event Security" jacket from the game. Later in the evening, he kicked two guys out of a local bar, stole their girlfriends, and "drew a map of the Caribbean" on one of their tight 19 year old stomaches. Good Stuff...

Meanwhile, I was in Raleigh catching the Black Crowes concert. It was a great show on a beautiful night. They closed with a sweet cover of The Band's "Don't Do It". Check out the video below. Outside of my Keith Richards-esque alcohol induced insomnia, it was a pretty unbeatable way to spend my time away from work...

Cape Cod Opposites

Vampire Weekend - Cape Cod Kwassa Kwassa


P-Unit - Tea Partay

Wife For Sale, Low Mileage

"Wife for sale. Model 1983, good condition. Full option, nice suspensions, spacious boot, second owner.”

“Price is negotiable, comes with three-year-old and five-year-old accessories. Seriousness demanded.”

As far as I know, it is still illegal to sell your wife in America, but I’ve got to admit that is a pretty goddamn clever ad.

Alex Cretu, 20, was tired of his wife constantly grumbling and nagging so he decided to post her for sale on a used car site as a joke. He initially wanted about $6.4 million but then lowered his asking price to $4,800 in the interest of a “quick sale”.

That’s a pretty serious price drop. Apparently he doesn’t like his inventory sitting around and collecting dust.

via

Try to watch this without cracking a smile...

Hold this for me...

One of the coolest catches I have seen in a while. My question is since when did they start having all these different camera angles in a high school game. When I played we only had one, now that I think about it, that was over ten years ago. Damnit!

Ballin' Old School

The last time Ken Mink scored in a college basketball game was 1953. That all changed last night when he found himself at the charity stripe for Roan State Community College (looking at you Wes Bunch). Mink sank both shots just like James Nasmith taught him to.
How would you feel if you were a member of the King College JV team, the team that gave up the two points. Why the hell did you let yourself get into a position to have to foul a 73 year old?
My favorite part about this whole story, is the fact that his stache is dark and his hair is white. Enjoy

The Dichotomy of Life in Utah...Limiting Sexual Thoughts While Promoting Polygamy Since 1896

This past weekend, High School Musical 3 beat out Zack and Miri Make a Porno for first place at the box office. These results should come as no surprise to anyone who follows Hollywood news. HSM3 has been promoted ad nauseum after the success of its made-for-TV predecessors; while Zach & Miri suffered image problems associated with the word "porno" appearing on its posters and in its trailer.

While most overlooked its controversial title, the Mormon holy-rollers at Megaplex Theatres of Utah refused to screen Zach and Miri due to its sexually explicit content. Just a guess, but appearing on fewer screens probably does not help your film's money making ability. Plus, public discussion of sex is a well known "no-no" in the red states (at least thats what Dickie, the Stay-Abstinent Squirrel, taught me in middle school..."Nuts are for squirrels, not teenage girls"). Remember kids: save your impure thoughts for biology class, alone time on the internet, or late at night while watching Cinemax.

Fortunately for those of us who appreciate the first amendment, some of these silly Mormons were served their just desserts in the form of a big penis. Citizens of South Jordan, Utah who went to the theatre expecting to see the latest installment in the HSM series were treated to a few minutes of the film, Sex Drive, by mistake. Included in these scenes were full frontal shots of nude males and females. Tits & Ass > Singing & Dancing High School Queers (unless they are lesbians, then it depends on the situation).

Johnny Cash - I Am The Nation

Vote Today

Beating That Bell Like It Owes Him Money

Halloween has come and gone. Outside of catching a mean Saturday hangover and drenching Battlecat's sweater in perspiration (thanks to a 2 mile jog home at 3AM), the worlds' largest little person came out of the night relatively unscathed. Thank you to all resident dwarfs (if there are any) for allowing me to walk a mile in your shoes (albeit mine were size 12.5's).

Since I promised a post today unless abducted by said midgets (& have been too busy with work for a standard post), I decided to link up a video I saw while licking my wounds on the couch this past weekend. You have probably seen his guy's predecessor on youtube videos in the past. I present to Texas Tech Bell Guy: The Next Generation...

Buh-Bye

According to the world wide leader, the Vols will have a new coach next year.

Good pre-announcement writeup at Deadspin.